Dirty Little Secret: Sex with anyone gets boring fast, we all get ugly, and it gets gross, & your marriage is doomed, unless.

Stop. Don’t even bother trying to deceive yourself about it. it doesn’t matter how amazing hot your lover is. if you’ve  been with them for over a year, the physical aspect of sex – including your lover’s body, is beginning to bore you to death.

As hard as it may be to hear, boredom and callousing  attraction threaten the success, even survival of your relationship.

The question is: If even the hottest people do not remain exciting for very long,  and it is critical to the success of our marriage that they remain not-boring, what the hell can we do?

But the deeper questions are: If the hottest mates become just as unexciting, why does attractiveness play such a significant role in mate selection?

Screw those questions, a better one would be: how much of an advantage do you have, how better is your chance for  happiness (or mere pleasure), if you’re hotter looking?

But then the thing is: hotness does not last, have you seen Richard Gere lately? Yikes. Oh no, even the hottest get taken down  by the latest. Gwyneth, Meg, Val, and eventually everyone no matter how physically breathtaking we are.

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Val Kilmar was

GWYNETH-PALTROW

MADONNA

and this …

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to…

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BELIEVE me, I am not posting these examples to be mean or to disparage these fine people. I am making the point that everybody gets taken down eventually; the most arrogant guy who stole your girlfriend and that stunning girl who breezed through her teens and twenties, with any guy she chose – and all her whims payed for – she’s going down, time is gonna cabbash that shit, toot sweet.


 

Before we talk about counter measures,  let’s back up a bit and discuss the problem.

My girlfriends give us a a fair cross section of data to look at for this issue: some people have a type that they are attracted to; by the variety of girlfriends I have been attracted to, evidently I do not. Before I grew older and uglier, there were a few girlfriends who were fashion-model hot – one of them was literally a model, and after a year, all of the very hottest were no more arousing than than the most nondescript.

Physical attractiveness does just what it sounds like – attracts.  Statistics have shown that when men have an affair, the other women are usually less physically attractive than their wives. (by the way, the reverse is true for woman who usually choose a man who is  physically superior to their spouse).

We know men are more visual, so why would they place less emphases on looks when selecting who to cheat with, while attractiveness is more pertinent to  a woman’s choice of paramour? (see The Sexy Son Hypothesis)

Remind me to write a post on, “Women are more likely to cheat up, while men are more likely to cheat around. “

so,

I am not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell  you that the few women who never got boring where completely unattractive. They were good looking , no question; however, they were not the most attractive physically, by large margin.

So what was it?  What was the secret sauce? Both were intelligent; one was very extroverted and positive while the “sushi waitress” was more introspective and serious.  ** Both had strong sex drivers – higher than they would have preferred I think, and both were compelled to take risks to accommodate their needs.  **

WAIT!  To the fundamentalists and Christians reading, please don’t run off just yet, you may be surprise and pleased with where this is going.

First, please plug your ears as we have to talk about sex for a second.

The dirty, dirty little secret to what makes another person stimulating, are the very things that none of us (THINK) we would want in a relationship. The sacred scrolls on the subject, if there were such a thing, would etch out the following four aspects of what makes for hot, sexual alchemy.

1. inaccessibility.

2.  Risk.

3. Breach of boundary.

4.  Vulnerability.

to be continued … P & J just showed up.

 

 

 

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Most Arousing : Silent, Risky & Simple

When we think of where we might find an exquisitely arousing experience – deep sexual satisfaction, visions of three ways, all-night sex marathons , incredibly attractive and skillful lovers,  sexual acts that are particularly kinky or forbidden – or, other such visions of sexual interaction being more grande – stimulation more glutinous.

I still wait for something more spectacular, where I might experience a new level of orgasm, or a transcendent sexual experience – or just one that is as exciting and powerful as it was at first when sex was new; But, the moments of overwhelming arousal, when sexual interaction is deeply fulfilling, almost always come about in situations much less grand, and often too subtle and emotionally complex to imagine or look for: such moments a  remarkable synchronicity of simple elements.

I’ve had a few experiences of the spectacular variety, but there’s only so good physical interaction can feel – and only so good a standard orgasm can be, and while a lot of the spectacular experiences produce optimal orgasms and maxed out pleasureful sensations, actual reward is always about the same – and not all that  much more fulfilling than a good masturbation.

There are times when the limits are broken and sexual interaction is more than orgasm, when orgasms are more than orgasms even, but the ingredients needed to bake such experiences, seem less available in many of the more obvious scenarios. Perhaps  the strongest experiences require a degree or type of sensitivity unable to service the sexual amplitude of extreme or “earth shattering” sexual interaction.

For example, there was an evening I write about in the next SSD book about a condo that I lived in for about a year – that I shared with the owner who rented me the room and another female tenant. Some crazy things happened during those condo days, but one of the most arousing and memorable experiences, was otherwise pretty unspectacular.

One night, while the landlord was away attending  a work related conference, I hung out and drank with the other tenant – who had just become single too. The next night she got home late in the evening after hitting happy hour and dinner with friends after work . She talked  to me in the kitchen for a few minutes, then tells me she’d be back up in a bit – wanted to get out of her work clothes. She returned wearing a very plain white nightshirt – something you’d get at the gap or target even – not Victoria secrets. But, it was just see through enough -her panties and nipples not being shown, but showing  – and the discussion was just provocative enough – that one of those monumental experiences sprung up.

I can’t tell the story here – the point is, the building blocks of this encounter were very simple: a roommate, a basic, white cotton night shirt, by chance us both being there, newly single with landlord gone, and perhaps the spark – a bit of unexpected behavior in my housemate curiously choosing to wear such a normal yet immodest outfit.

That evening saw no three ways, spontaneous animalistic sex,  circus equipment or even handcuffs, yet I can’t remember many times I’ve been more aroused and satisfied. It makes me realize that sexual satisfaction isn’t about being gotten off – it’s about being turned on – it’s about feeling numb with desire and arousal – and the situations that create these feelings are unexpected and complicated, rarely spectacular, and something in us yearns for them.

I’ve had a few wild and grande sexual encounters  (by my square standards) – and they got me off hard – but none have made me so drunk with arousal, that I didn’t know the words I was speaking, or feel on the verge of risking all pride and consequence, trembling with desire, my heart pounding and heads throbbing, only needing an orgasm to stop the orgasming, when I could bare no more. The context surrounding such moments = so remarkable buy rarely spectacular.