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Anyone Marry a Super Great Nice Person, Who Doesn’t Really “Bring it” to Bed?

Hey, truly nice people can be hard to find; And, especially if you’re not that interested in sex anyway, kindness more than makes up for bangin’-ness.

But this might be the worst of situations for those who are craving it – starving for a fucking of brains out; but, they’ve got an amazing and wonderful significant other – they’ll never have an excuse.

I’ve known a few people in a situation like this; less often men: not that there aren’t a lot of men with wives holding out on them, but there wives don’t seem very kindly. Besides, I’m not talking about one partner holding out on the other, or sexless marriages, I’m talking about reality – where they’re trying, but just not hot –  or, just can’t work it like you need it.

I haven’t been married, but I know it’s not exciting all the time, forever, for anyone. But some people seem too selfless in choosing their spouse for his or her kindness. I’m probably sounding like a dick in saying it, but some marry above or below their league, and then pay for it.

This one girl who I knew for around four years, she worked with me at the same company, and was the poster child for this kind of tragedy.

First, she was gorgeous, not bimbo hot, but classy perfect. Second, she married a really nice guy, several inches shorter, who you could just tell,  wasn’t fucking her well.

She was too good, and he was too good, there would be no leeway coming their way; I could  tell, because she was always friendly and never happy; she wanted to be a good person and not judge or be picky, but now she’s stuck with someone unattractive and lousy.

I know, I know. I talk about reality, and sometimes It takes an assholish-vernacular to get close to the truth. Of course there are so many other aspects to life, marriage, and people; but, there’s a point where someone can be selfish with their kindness, and use it to get out of other forms of giving.

Is it “kind” to be with someone you cannot satisfy? Is it kind to pretend like you don’t know that they could do better? – and they’re trapped,  to late now that they’ve learned better?

There’s many types of inequity that can posses our relationships. Most of them we can  seek advise or help about, but how tough it is for a person to seek help about a wonderful, kind spouse, who’ll just never fuck them well?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity

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There we were in Jenny’s backyard gazebo Jacuzzi. Her husband had been in France for over a month – supposedly he was visiting family. A few days before he left they had another big fight and he gave her a black eye. The black eye had almost gone away and I was at jenny’s house getting instructions. She was leaving for Europe to join her husband the next morning, and asked me dog and house sit for a month or so. It helped me too. I needed a place to stay while I looked for a new, more permanent cribtuation.

We were enjoying Jenny’s Jacuzzi one last time before she showed me how to drain it. Our shoulders were touching, my hand was resting on her leg and she had an elbow resting on mine –  she gave my knee a friendly squeeze. I wasn’t going to go any further without her making  a move. Soon her hand found my crotch and I responded – started kissing her. Before we were done with it all – she told me that she hadn’t had sex in a year – with her obese and abusive, albeit rich husband. Jenny was beautiful and had a promising modeling career before a near fatal car accident (courtesy of her previous boyfriend) put her in a coma for weeks and changed the course of her life. Her husband had let himself go – weighed around 300lbs – which isn’t a good weight for a short man who’s an asshole.


Intro
I’ve been planning on posting some arguments in support of infidelity to keep the discussion balanced. Due to feedback from a few readers – that the series has been too harsh or negative about infidelity and those involved in it, I’ve decided that now is the time to begin some cheating-positive posting.

I will keep the confidence of those who shared their thoughts in private – you know who you are and I immensely appreciate your input. I was relieved to hear the feedback – I’ve actually been concerned that this series has not been severe enough – that I’ve been normalizing cheating too much. I’ll probably get readers shaming me for “my glorification” of  cheating after this post, and I’ll be happy to listen to those concerns too.

There are times when infidelity is understandable – where cheating is justified. There are some who’d argue that sleeping with whomever you wish, whenever you want, is always justified. As we’ve discussed throughout the series, more times than not the answer is grey and fuzzy – cheating is often not clearly wrong and not exactly right; however, some cases seem much more understandable than others. Opportunity and special circumstances are among a handful of features that change the equation. And, more abstractly, unique predispositions for monogamy should not be discounted.

Opportunity
Suppose you were Brad Pitt or Emilia Clarke who plays Daenerys Targaryen in the Game of Thrones.

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These two have got hella opportunity; in fact, we could argue that they can practically, and literally, sleep with anyone they wish. Also, because of their profession, they have frequent contact with other extremely attractive people – often while away from home – outside their home countries even.

If I was working with Daenerys Targaryen in some far away country, and one evening after the day’s shooting she came to my trailer and said, “Duncan, do you want to grab a drink and then have really nasty sex in my presidential suite at the Ritz Carlton?” I don’t care how perfect of marriage I had with Jennifer Lopez, I’d sign up for miss Targaryen’s offer and worry about the consequences and moral issues later.

Isn’t there at least one person in the world that you’d betray  your marriage for – especially if the opportunity fell in your lap? I suspect that those who answer no, are probably not having much sex with their partner – probably not interested in sex with anybody.

Few of us have the beauty, job, fame and wealth of those mentioned, but if we have such blessings to a larger degree than the norm – or by some other factor have more than the usual access to highly desirable people, should some extra understanding be afforded – judgement suspended?

Special Circumstances
I opened this post with a story about a friend who cheated on her husband. There were several factors that in combination gave Jenny what I think should be a “special circumstances” exception. Jenny’s husband was physically and emotionally abusive, obese, gone half the time and hadn’t fucked her in over a year. But, Jenny had a young daughter, social standing and financial security. It may be easy for some to blame her for not getting a divorce instead of cheating – they should try going from wealthy to poor, moving into a tiny apartment, disrupting a child’s life and losing half their circle of friends. In certain circumstances, infidelity is practically essential and not so immoral.

Predisposition
Some do not find satisfaction in monogamy. Some argue that most of us have a predisposition for polyamory. When did we begin having monogamous relationships? Was it due to religion, or did we evolve towards monogamy for some  reason more intrinsic or instinctual? If monogamy is a social construct, did some of us evolve into it or have we all been socialized against our instincts?

Only 5% of the 4,000 or so mammal species stick with just one mate. The leading theory is “that males began balancing the need to spread their gene pool against the need to protect their young from being killed by other non-related males.” [Time magazine: What Drove Man to Monogamy: It Wasn’t Love]

If such evolution-logic ever applied, it doesn’t seem relevant today. In more modern times, there may have been other advantages to monogamy – perhaps it has increased the probability that our children succeeded and became able to find a healthy mate, procreate; these days, at least in western culture, even the educated, successful and monogamous couples are reproducing in much smaller numbers than those who are not restricting themselves to a traditional nuclear family arrangement. Perhaps monogamy has put certain types of people on a path to extinction?

If we’re not ready to condemn monogamy as completely antithetical to survival, should society at least be more accommodating of polyamorous inclinations or lifestyle choices? In western culture, we’ve reached an age that celebrates individual choices and defends minority dispositions. We accept – even fight to protect, alternative sexual preferences: gay, bisexual, and others. We even appreciate a person’s gender inclinations, and frown upon those who’d deny a person the gender identity they feel most comfortable with. But a nice young bride who’s natural inclination is to get fucked by a good variety of men  enjoys no such institutional support or defense. Even if she’s outstanding and traditional in every other way,  we’ve got issues with polyamory. Even if both partners are on bored with a poly-amorous marriage, it’s not even close to being something they can be open about and expect  social acceptance on par with LGBT sympathies.

Because of societies harsh attitude towards polyamory, it isn’t surprising that many who are compelled, or even predisposed to have sex outside their marriage, choose to keep it secret. When we hear of someone cheating, we jump to negative assumptions: there must be something terribly wrong with their marriage – or something fundamentally wrong with them or their spouse. How many of us cheat even though our marriage is fine and our spouse is as good as they come, because, we just aren’t satisfied with monogamy?

If, as a society, we’re not going to support and condone polyamorous behavior, to what degree should we at least suspend our judgement of those who cheat out of fundamental need for variety?  With all of today’s social progress,  there’s an undo lack of support for those who only cheat because they can’t follow their preference openly, without being ostracized. How many of us would opt out of monogamy if there was no cultural shame in doing so, and, no risk of losing other, perhaps more traditional, aspects of our lives?

For a more informed and in-depth perspective on polyamory, I highly recommend reading  A.C. Anderson’s essay and blog here Essay: Monogamy Unnatural?


Cheating Series:

Cheating 9: The Other Side of The Sex Coin, in Defense of Those Who Partake

Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Save

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Loose Page Fell out of Diary – No Date On it – So Placing Here.

Infidelity is like one of those people you meet  – who breaks the molds of anyone you’ve known before – so you’re not quite sure about them at first. They’re either really smart and playing it brilliant, or real dense and not getting it at all – when you first meet them, you can’t tell which. If smart, wouldn’t it mean they’re deceptive as well? How else could someone so smart leave it to anyone’s guess as to whether they’re a dunce or clever – to be pitied or feared. Sometimes you draw when you could have laid down – to avoid the risk when it’s not certain if they’re bluffing. Maybe they don’t even see their own hand, but what if it’s you who’s missing what game they’re playing?

Does the cheater do it only for the power? It’s a dark truth, if we cheat, we grab the power – it’s an entirely unjust acquisition. Now we control what both sides know. Now the truth is ours to administer upon the others,  control them with. We are the gatekeepers of truth about all the stuff we’re doing, and all the stuff our lovers will, or will not be knowing.

And it’s bad, dreadful, drastic – to be on the cheated side, but even worse for the accessory to the cheating., When we’re the other – the cheater’s lie, we indirectly undermine our lover’s spouse – standing by as the cheater lies to a person who doesn’t even know we exist – let alone ever done us any harm. The guilt can weigh heavy and such choices make very little room for sympathy.

When serious people defy what they know is right, it’s a bloodbath inside. Fighting oneself is always a losing battle.The strongest are capable of doing the most damage – especially to themselves if that’s who they end up at odds with.

But it’s a fool’s errand, to own-to-death so much guilt about a situation where you’re just the other, the farthest from center – the least in the know – and cheapest for getting into a situation where you’ve got the least of anyone to gain.

The cheater always wins, unless, and until, they lose someone and get their own heart broken.

 

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Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Where can we be Naughty without cheating?

Another year has passed, and this year feels like the same routine. Are you wondering if you might end up the first on record to suffer death by boredom? maybe you’re locked in forever and trying to make the most of it.

Here you are,  reading blogs, and looking for something to quiet the restlessness – break up the long slow walk of married life ?  The quiet may be creams, if sex with your spouse is  suffering. The erotica you’ve been reading has helped – yes it’s gas on your fire and making and  it worse, and it’s looking like it is what it is, there’s nowhere you can go to meet this kind of need, you’ll have to grin and bare it

If you were a different kind of man or woman, in another world with no consequences, you’d just have an affair, or get a divorce. But you can’t do that – you don’t want too. You love your family and your spouse – you don’t want to hurt hurt anyone, nor have a crisis  on your hands..

Don’t give up just yet. There are perfectly acceptable ways to experience a little naughty interaction -let’s look for a way you can beat the system.

You’re situation might be less drastic. The reality of life – no matter how committed and wonderful our spouse, zero variety over years or decades feels like going to church on a hangover. Just bored? or, your spouse an utter bore? If any of this is you, and cheating isn’t an option, follow the light, keep reading.


The Sinner Saint Diary research department has dug deep to help good people, who wish to stay good to their spouse, yet satisfy needs that by definition, our spouse can’t satisfy.. (And by research team diving deep, I mean just me, over years, seeing ways people beat the system.)

If we apply the definition outlined in Part IV,, a person has cheated if their actions include all of the four components of cheating: a relationship, a person outside relationship, sexual stimulation and betrayal.  Absence of one or more of these components, behavior may still be wrong, but it isn’t cheating.

There aren’t many options, and they may not be as satisfying as cheating, yet may offer some relief from the mundane.

The trick is to find situations that inherently short circuit the rules: we want situations that are missing a key ingredient, but have most of the good ingredients. Here are the loopholes – activities that have have built-in features that disqualify them as cheating.

Imagination:

Loophole: because there is no way to confirm the activity of a person’s mind, with most relationships, couples do not try to establish thought rules.

The easiest, least restricted and most obvious way to escape the boundaries and circumvent the rules you’re bound by, is use your imagination, to envision whatever behavior and situations you find most stimulating.

And, you can borrow from the imagination and experiences of others – erotica literature is about the naughtiest way to be  completely innocent. I invite you to read Dare, the first Volume of The Sinner Saint Diary and enjoy the taste of the real thing without the calories.

Solo Fetishes

Loophole: There’s no other person involved – at least, as far as they know their not.

If you have a particular fetish for something that doesn’t involve another person, directly, The solo fetish loophole can be very rewarding. A variation of this loophole, allows for another person to be involved, but requires your fetish to be for something that is most would not find the least bit arousing. (getting your hair brushed causes you to have an orgasm).

Exhibitionism

If you are one of those who gets aroused by looking at others, or exposing yourself, there is a smorgasbord of opportunity to be naughty without being a bad partner. A lot of spouses won’t mind or won’t know when you let yourself be seen. (Disclaimer: Obviously, your spouse doesn’t want you going around town exposing yourself to random people. The rest of us non-creepy members of society don’t either… get help.)

If you do not get turned on when people see you exposed – you may be wondering why I’ve included this loophole – why it’s a loophole at all?

Sometimes, being seen is the only opportunity someone has to feel sexy or be a bit naughty. It’s better than nothing – even if something short of orgasmic; for some, nearly orgasmic. As with the following, you don’t have to break any laws or be hedonistic to get some needs met.

Maryann’s husband was a local politician. He wasn’t a bad husband – but was a bit square and didn’t like to party – cared about appearances. The two were married young, and Maryann had little to no experience before that. She’s about the horniest person I’ve  known and probably the least likely to cheat. I think she grew up catholic or fundamentalist – some kind of religiousness that plagued her with guilt for life – she’d never servive the guilt of an affair. The girl I was dating, living with actually, was one of Maryann’s friends. Their group of friends liked to go out drinking – and have parties. Maryann usually joined in, her husband hardly ever joined her.

Maryann allowed herself one congruence, one micro-misbehavior. She liked to expose herself – expose herself to us guys in the group – whenever she could – without being obnoxious about it. Her husband was never around when she did – he’d have no reason to worry about it, and there wasn’t much harm in it – she’d be around friends – not in view of husband’s voting public. After a few drinks, the exhibitionist would come out; it’s hard to describe how, but she’d usually find a reason or moment, to show her new underwear, or that she’s wearing none, and sometimes when only I could see, she’d lift her shirt up and say “flash attack.” Her boobs were small enough that in most outfits she could get away with not wearing a bra – she rarely did. I never asked about  what compelled this behavior – it must have been very satisfying for her – to be be so compulsive. Perhaps it was just passive aggression, about her husband never being around.

The Sinner Saint Diary Volume V, to be published later this year, Is about a cube mate i worked with for a year, who exposed herself almost daily, and did other things, all sanctioned under the umbrella of being a “total flirt.” I call what she would do, “chicken flirting.” However she defined it, she’d basically see how far she could go without officially doing anything wrong. In the process, she’d tease and frustrate the hell out of most the guys in the office. She didn’t know what she was in for when she took up the chick flirt with me – but that’s all in the the story. What’s relevant to this discussion, is that her loophole was that her husband new and accepted she was a flirt – and, whatever he knew of it, her flirting included just about everything that didn’t involve contact. It amused her greatly to expose herself and get me going, and she saw her share of me as well. This was her thing – her loophole, and it seemed to be working well for her, until it didn’t.

You can be seen without being obvious. My neighbor sees me- from her home office over her garage. Her window by her desk looks into my back and gives her an unobstructed view, through a wall of sliding glass doors, right into my living room and dining area.. Turns me on like crazy, this game we’ve been playing.

Solo fetish variation: massage  

Not the happy ending kind. Well, yes the happy ending kind, but not the kind with inappropriate touching (unless you want it to be cheating).

I’ve seen different estimates, but supposedly between five and ten percent of those getting a massage will have an orgasm of some kind without any inappropriate contact. If this happens to you, congratulations, you’ve got a loophole-optimum predisposition, where having an orgasm while being touched by others, is no more than a phone call and a “Benjamin” away – any day. The orgasms happen naturally – unless you agreed to never get a massage, you’ve not betrayed your spouse, did not have sexual interaction with another, and.. basically beating the hell out of the  system.

(p.s. You’re not off the hook if they jack you off or rub your clit. However, for those willing to cross this line, for tomorrow’s post, Part sex,  I cover everything you didn’t know yoiu wanted to know about how to have a happy time getting massages at reputable places. Yes, there are women getting happy endings, I know three of them. And men – it is possible to have a normal massage result in a happy ending, read the next part of this series for the secrets on how that happens.)

Bi-Trysperiences

Loophole: You’re heterosexual, so your spouse doesn’t get bothered by the thought of you having contact with other girls.

Perhaps you and your spouse have never even covered the ground rules pertaining to same-sex interaction. If it turns you on to be touched by a person of the same gender – a minor bi-experience might pass through a  loophole – on a technicality or two. Because your mainly not bisexual, Your spouse might not have expectations one way or another, about what you might do with someone of your own gender. Sex with a girl friend? Probably not, but hitting a strip club on girls’ night out, getting lap dances from a stripper who’s hand disappears up your skirt a few times? Seen it happen.

Suspend the rules:

Include your Partner:

If your significant other cheats at the same time, it cancels out your cheating.

Play a naughty game with friends or go out with your partner and do something monogamish. Depending on what you do, it an be a little risky to push the boundaries, but at least of you get your partner on board, you won’t’ be cheating.

In Dare, Volume I of The sinner Saint Dairy, I tell write about a real life Truth-or=Dare game that a few friends and I ended up playing one night. In our game , there were six non-single people included: one couple married, another engaged and the other two were dating. Three of us were single. That story of that night is a perfect example of mutual nullification. Each  of us did things that would have been unacceptable – without the others also misbehaving. Even that didn’t cover some of us who drifted beyond (okay lost sight of) “justifiable” territory.

Ask for a temporary separation

This might be harmful to your relationship, but it removes the betrayal aspect. If you know you’re going to sleep around – and that your spouse is likely to find out, you’ll have less on your conscience and a better chance at saving your marriage if you ask for a temporary separation.

(p.s. If your spouse asks for a separation, most likely they’re going to get busy right away and they probably already know who with.)

If you are the one who asked for the separation, do yourself a favor and don’t let your group of friends in on your extra-marital activities. This doesn’t make your spouse look bad, it makes you look bad. And, if you do get back together, both you and your spouse will have less respect. If your spouse asked for the separation, not only should you be sure you have sex others, you might want to have your circle of friends aware of it. You’ll not be blamed because your spouse is the one who asked for it, you’ll look less pathetic, and hopefully your spouse will here about it and know what’s good for the goose is goose it’s good for the gander. You can be sure they are messing around – only point in asking for a separation, and you’re they’re more likely to come back if they see that you’re doing your thing – you’ll seem less pathetic.

Misbehave Zones

Loophole: cultural and community rules supersede couple rules.

Culturally, western societies allow artists to bend the rules, and excuse otherwise unacceptable activity when integral to artistic expression. Cultural norms are so powerful, that they confer exceptions to rules of romantic commitment. You don’t have to be a professional artist for these rules to apply.

This is the only type of activity where it is possible to get away with all the aspects of cheating, without doing anything wrong or suffer any consequences. I have taken full advantage of culturally safe zones, not to be confused with the safe zones created for fragile college students who should still be on a bottle, not attending college.

By cultural safe zones, I’m referring to special circumstances where cultural expectations not only tolerate activity outside the bounds of marriage, but protect it. Not by law, but community expectation.

The Arts are where most safe zones can be found.

Theatre

The theatre is the most accommodating. I majored in theatre and can unequivocally testify that theatrical endeavor is rich with opportunities to do bad things and get away with it: theatre often entails close interaction with the most uninhibited… being uninhibited is practically a tenant of the art – so expected that it’s nearly seen as a requirement.

You don’t have to go back to college for a theatre degree to get involved and gain enough artistic cover to be a little naughty. If getting a degree in theatre isn’t an option, the best way to get involved is to sign up for acting courses; or, you could take costuming or set design courses and then volunteer at a local theater. If you’re around theatre, you’ll see uninhibited behavior, but if you’re wanting contact with others, acting is by far the way to go.

Any scene you must prepare for an acting class, or any play you act a part in – if it is written for you to do – you’re excused to do it. You’re not you during the hundred times you practice that scene: you’re the character. Passionate kissing, nudity, groping, touching – anything that character does – is totally accepted and nobody holds you responsible as if they were your actions, or things you chose to do. This is very necessary to the art, but pretty crazy as well. Acting is very unique – the culturally safest zone where anyone can go to escape their marital boundaries without breaking any boundaries.

(I remember several older, married students from acting courses: Stacy was the most memorable – a married, devout catholic woman who was in two of my acting courses. She was around thirty and had been married for a few years. I’d seen her husband – probably with her at a play or something. Anyway, this woman Stacy was attractive – not stunning – but clearly out of her husband’s league. I don’t know the details of her marriage or why she’d married her husband, but I could tell she was starving for affection… no way would she ever cheat. What she did do, is ask me to be her scene partner for our final, and chose a scene which included a lot of contact working up to passionate kissing. I don’t know how many times we practiced the scene – several times at my apartment, half a dozen times in a studio on campus… not once at her home around her husband.)

Art

If seeing some nudity is enough to give you a thrill, a life drawing or painting course is an easy way to make that happen, you’re guaranteed to see people naked – but it’s a crap shoot how hot they’ll be. If you seriously pursue art, it becomes a pretty good excuse to see people with their clothes off – depending on how sensitive your spouse is – I doubt they’d  raise issue with you having to draw someone nude for class.


And now, your turn:

I would love to hear about other loopholes you’ve found – perhaps you’ve found a unique way to keep things interesting? And, whether or not we actually do any of this stuff,  it’s fun to just think and scheme about it, isn’t it?

Now that we’ve looked at some loophole – how to get a bit naughty without cheating, the next part in the series will discuss options for those willing to cross the line. If you’re going to cheat,  tomorrow you can read Part VI on how to to cheat and mitigate the risk.


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

 


If you enjoy reading sexually arousing stories that are also thought provoking, you’ll love reading Dare, the first publication of the Sinner Saint Diary series. Click here for book info previews on Amazon.


Here’s more about the authorMore about the DiaryA girl Coming

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

The reader comments throughout this series have been enlightening: together we have identified the following factors and components.


Cheating, Sexual Infidelity

Four Main Components:

  1. Two or more people in a relationship:
    Marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged couples, domestic partners, etc.
  2. One or more persons outside the relationship:
    This person can be involved in a physical way, or through media.
  3. Sexual stimulation:
    Behavior that sexually is stimulating for cheater or participant.
  4. Betrayal:
    • Knowingly breaking an assumed or agreed upon rule, without the consent of the other party.
    • Doing something that you know your partner believes you are not doing
    • Doing something that you know your partner has an expectation you’re not doing

Some of the properties we’ve discussed:

Context:
Imagination
Remote/Web/Phone
In Person

The Other Person:
Imaginary
Stranger, Co-Worker, Acquaintance, Professional
Friend, Ex
Double Cheats – Spouse’s Friends/Family, Friend’s Spouse

Activity:
Texting
Exposure Pics, Exposure in Person
Masturbation cam, Masturbation in Person
Non-Romantic Touching
Sexual contact: Non invasive, Intercourse

Result:
Amusement, Ego Boost, Revenge
Sexual Arousal for Cheater and Accomplice
Sexual Release/Orgasm for Cheater and Accomplice
Financial Gain for Cheater and Accomplice

Duration:
One Occurrence: Minutes. Hours, All Day or Night
Term: Days, Weeks, Months, Years
Frequency: Daily, Weekly, Bi-weekly, Monthly


Hopefully this outline will help focus the discussion, and give us some terms and definition for reference. Now that we have a sketch of what cheating looks likes, Part V identifies loopholes – suggests some ways to beat the system – to be naughty without cheating.


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Can we cheat with our thoughts?

In thought, should commitments be honored, boundaries observed? Or, are we released from all rules and obligations? Thoughts about others may be unavoidable: should we at least try to be faithful in our thinking?

When people masturbate, I wonder how many fantasize about others instead of their spouse or partner. Who do you have on your mind during alone time? Does anyone only thinks about their significant other? What if you include your partner in a fantasy, but she’s being eaten out by a friend named Rosa, who’s calling you “Daddy” as you fuck her from behind and sing the song El Paso, by Marty Robbins, using her braids as reins. For example.

Do you think it is cheating to think about others? What if the other person you fantasize about is someone your partner knows – friend, sister… or, maybe once or twice her mother, Jackie, who maybe has huge tits and dresses like a stripper? If everyone is fair game in our fantasies, is it okay to occasionally imagine during sex  that our partner is someone else? Exactly – perhaps the notion that we can cheat with our mind isn’t so ridiculous


Our thoughts need some room to wander, but should some boundaries be expected? Let’s look for boundaries in a few real life examples.

In my recently published book Dare, my friend Sean makes his fiancée Lisa tell us one of her fantasies. Sean had been trying to convince her to tell him one of her most secret and naughty fantasies; she finally gave in and wrote one down for him as a birthday gift.

(Moral of that story: be sure you’re prepared for what you pry open – there’s usually reasons why people keep something secret, especially if it has to do with sex.)

Anyway, the fantasy was bad – and worse, the leading man in Lisa’s fantasy was some other man. (Not just dirty bad, but – you might come just reading it bad – which might be good.) The man of her fantasy was just imaginary, but he wasn’t Sean – bore no resemblance even.

It would be a stretch to call it cheating – sex with an imaginary person during a scenario merely imagined. It wasn’t the particulars of the story that bothered Sean. The fighting came after he learned how much use it was getting: Sean had wanted a real fantasy that Lisa had, but this one  was being had often – more often than not it was her go-to for masturbating.

Can it be a matter of frequency? Is it assumed that we all fantasize now and then, but if we’re re-imagining a fantasy with another, routinely, are we betraying our partner? Do we do our partner wrong, neglect them in mind, if we’re distracted by thoughts of another? Is Lisa cheating on Sean – having an affair of sorts with this fantasy she revisits?


The following incident took place during my little sister’s wedding reception. I had known many of the guests most my life – my parents have a large circle of longtime friends – and I grew up knowing their kids. One of these kids, a guy we’ll call “Chad,” was at the wedding along with his parents and his new wife.

I was at Chad and his wife Carrie’s wedding about six months before. I had met Carrie a few times before their wedding, probably at some other friend’s wedding, but had never hung out with her and Chad. But on the night of my sister’s wedding, I spent most my time talking to them. Later in the evening Carrie confronted me. I must have been returning from the bathroom or a walk, because she caught me alone: nobody close enough to hear us talking.

Whatever her exact words – she communicated that not only did she wish she could jump my bones – she wished it would have been me she married. This was not drunken flattery or comments said in jest: God knows why she didn’t keep it to herself, but she was dead serious.

So, aside from a dance or two, Carrie had no contact with me physically. Her hands weren’t on me but her mind was – according to her she was “having thoughts about me all night that she shouldn’t be having” – so quickly forgetting the husband she just married. Yes, they was only thoughts, but did her thoughts become infidelities when she told them to me? Or, perhaps they’d have been even if she had kept them to herself?

Could it be that whatever goes on in our own mind, is only free of judgement so far as it stays there?

I think Carrie betrayed her husband Chad. I guess it wasn’t “cheating,” but I’d say she was unfaithful.

(Incidentally, what my sister’s husband’s cousin did in my pants. after sneaking away from her fiance… well, sure as hell that was cheating. But that’s a whole other story.)

I look forward to reading your comments about this topic. Do you think there are any circumstances where mere thought can be cheating? Do you think about your partner or others when you pleasure yourself? Does it make a difference how often we think about others, or whether we think about a real person or someone imaginary? Is it worse if one fantasizes about their partner’s best friend or sister? Do we owe more accountability to thoughts we let someone know about?


Cheating Series Past Installments:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

 


If you enjoy reading sexually arousing stories that are also thought provoking, you’ll love reading Dare, the first publication of the Sinner Saint Diary series. Click here for book info previews on Amazon.