Dirty Little Secret: Sex with anyone gets boring fast, we all get ugly, and it gets gross, & your marriage is doomed, unless.

Stop. Don’t even bother trying to deceive yourself about it. it doesn’t matter how amazing hot your lover is. if you’ve  been with them for over a year, the physical aspect of sex – including your lover’s body, is beginning to bore you to death.

As hard as it may be to hear, boredom and callousing  attraction threaten the success, even survival of your relationship.

The question is: If even the hottest people do not remain exciting for very long,  and it is critical to the success of our marriage that they remain not-boring, what the hell can we do?

But the deeper questions are: If the hottest mates become just as unexciting, why does attractiveness play such a significant role in mate selection?

Screw those questions, a better one would be: how much of an advantage do you have, how better is your chance for  happiness (or mere pleasure), if you’re hotter looking?

But then the thing is: hotness does not last, have you seen Richard Gere lately? Yikes. Oh no, even the hottest get taken down  by the latest. Gwyneth, Meg, Val, and eventually everyone no matter how physically breathtaking we are.

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Val Kilmar was

GWYNETH-PALTROW

MADONNA

and this …

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to…

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BELIEVE me, I am not posting these examples to be mean or to disparage these fine people. I am making the point that everybody gets taken down eventually; the most arrogant guy who stole your girlfriend and that stunning girl who breezed through her teens and twenties, with any guy she chose – and all her whims payed for – she’s going down, time is gonna cabbash that shit, toot sweet.


 

Before we talk about counter measures,  let’s back up a bit and discuss the problem.

My girlfriends give us a a fair cross section of data to look at for this issue: some people have a type that they are attracted to; by the variety of girlfriends I have been attracted to, evidently I do not. Before I grew older and uglier, there were a few girlfriends who were fashion-model hot – one of them was literally a model, and after a year, all of the very hottest were no more arousing than than the most nondescript.

Physical attractiveness does just what it sounds like – attracts.  Statistics have shown that when men have an affair, the other women are usually less physically attractive than their wives. (by the way, the reverse is true for woman who usually choose a man who is  physically superior to their spouse).

We know men are more visual, so why would they place less emphases on looks when selecting who to cheat with, while attractiveness is more pertinent to  a woman’s choice of paramour? (see The Sexy Son Hypothesis)

Remind me to write a post on, “Women are more likely to cheat up, while men are more likely to cheat around. “

so,

I am not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell  you that the few women who never got boring where completely unattractive. They were good looking , no question; however, they were not the most attractive physically, by large margin.

So what was it?  What was the secret sauce? Both were intelligent; one was very extroverted and positive while the “sushi waitress” was more introspective and serious.  ** Both had strong sex drivers – higher than they would have preferred I think, and both were compelled to take risks to accommodate their needs.  **

WAIT!  To the fundamentalists and Christians reading, please don’t run off just yet, you may be surprise and pleased with where this is going.

First, please plug your ears as we have to talk about sex for a second.

The dirty, dirty little secret to what makes another person stimulating, are the very things that none of us (THINK) we would want in a relationship. The sacred scrolls on the subject, if there were such a thing, would etch out the following four aspects of what makes for hot, sexual alchemy.

1. inaccessibility.

2.  Risk.

3. Breach of boundary.

4.  Vulnerability.

to be continued … P & J just showed up.

 

 

 

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Cheating 12: Final conclusion, for now, until I have a different one.

Don’t do it.

Yes, I said it. which is to say, don’t break your vows or promises. If you’re in a sexless marriage, then get permission or get a divorce. Cheating is more about lying that it is about sex, and I believe lying is a sin, not sex.

There are hot stories to read  – fantasy and masturbation is free – none of us have to worry about “not-cheating” ourselves to death.

I’m not judging – not looking to get struck by lightning, I’m just sharing my conclusion – based on the discussion so far.


 


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.
Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?
Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity
Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity
Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.
Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?
Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship
Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?
Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity
Cheating 10: Looking for a bit of fun before spilling the beans
Cheating XI: How Not to Sleep With Married People

Payton Interview: horrible sex, great sex, revenge fucks, hot drunk horny friends

Interview with Payton

I needed to get out of the house and went to a local dive bar around 11pm tonight, and there I met Payton and her friend. One of the two is next to me at my kitchen table and agreed to do an interview. It isn’t early. Or, it’s really early.

Sinner: Hi Payton, thank you for braving an interview at this hour, are you ready?

Payton: Ready Freddy.

Sinner: It’s Duncan, but close enough. When did you last have sex?

Payton: Not a fan of foreplay?

Sinner: I am a fan of foreplay, this is it.

Payton: Well if this is your foreplay then..

Sinner: Exactly, contraceptives are recommended for the main questions.

Payton: Should I be scared or excited?

Sinner: You should be scared in a good way and excited in a bad way.

Payton: Well if you must know, the last time was a week ago Saturday. When did you last have sex?

Sinner: Who’s interviewing who here?

Payton: So I can’t ask questions.

Sinner: I had sex Wednesday, sort of.

Payton: What do you mean sort of?

Sinner: I had anal, I guess that counts.

Payton: My my, that might count double. I wonder how that came about? Sorry, I’ll stop asking questions.

Sinner: My ex girlfriend texted and asked if I wanted to fuck. I told her no, unless she wanted anal, then she could come over and I would. So she did and we did, and she left.

Payton:  Sounds like that worked out well for you.

Sinner: It was torture, just trying to do my part. How did your last “experience” come about?

Payton: It was after a date with this guy. I wasn’t going to sleep with him but when he dropped me home, well you know, one thing leading to other things etc.

Sinner: wow, first date sex?

Payton: Third date sex.

Sinner: How would you describe the experience in one word? Amazing?

Payton: Brief.

Sinner: Brief?

Payton: Maybe three minutes. Maybe.

Sinner: Was that enough?

Payton: Enough? Enough for him evidently.

Sinner: So you didn’t come?

Payton: In three minutes?

Sinner: So you didn’t, were you frustrated?

Payton: Not for long, took care of things as soon as he left.

Sinner: With a toy.

Payton: Yup.

Sinner: So, you haven’t seen him since? Have you talked to him?

Payton: Have not seen him. He’s been texting everyday since. He wanted to go out tonight, but Jill (drunk pretty girl you met earlier) wanted to go out.

Sinner: So do you like him? Do you plan to keep seeing him?

Payton: Not sure, I don’t think so. He’s a bit too clingy..

Sinner: And then there’s the three-minute ish

Payton; If that, yes.

Sinner: How about before that? when was the last time?

Payton: Half a year ago, total catastrophe.

Sinner: Catastrophe? This should be good Why, what happened?

Payton:  It was with this guy friend I’ve known since junior high. I think he always had a bit of a crush on me but I was never attracted to him. While I was married my ex and I would hang out with him on occasion.  Sorry, kind of a long story, are you wanting short answers?

Sinner: No, fascinated, please finish, take your time.

Payton: Okay, after my divorce, Doug (the friend) was a shoulder to lean on. He was single but I still was not interested in anything romantic. I should have followed my instincts, but Doug was persistent and eventually persuaded me to give it a shot. Looking back I don’t know what I was thinking.

We had a kiss one night, nothing else, and soon after I relocated out-of-state for a new job. Doug and I continued to communicate long distance, and somehow or another we hatched a plan for him to fly out and visit, to have sex essentially.  I had starte dto feel a little bit of attraction, and He talked a big game – seemed like he might know what he was doing at least, maybe it would be good. It was a bad idea, but he few out for a weekend and we went through with it as planned. We should have stuck with friendship, now it is weird, we have only talked once since.

Sinner: So what happened, the sex wasn’t good

Payton: Yes, was not good. Not only that, but was awkward and embarrassing, for both of us I think. The chemistry was definitely not happening.

Sinner: That sucks. What was bad about the sex, or did it just feel weird because you had been friends for so long? Did he smell? Was it another three-minute situation?

Payton: Pretty much everything that could go wrong did. For starters, Doug had some “stage fright,” (as he defined it) . He never fully got over the “stage fright,” so we fumbled around trying to get started. I was hoping maybe he would get over the stage fright once we go underway. As soon we got started Doug got up, he was in me I’d say not even a minute. I thought maybe he was frustrated about the stage fright or something. I asked him what was wrong, and said, nothing, “I came.”

In my mind, I was wondering  what happened to the hours of passionate love-making he had texted me about. When did he come? He was not even hard and there were no clues that would indicate he was coming, we had not even moved, it was all very strange. I felt bad at first but it bothered me more as I thought about it.

My theory is that he has always wanted to get with me and figured he would say whatever he had to, and score even if it messed up our friendship. It was my choice too, but still, I felt he too advantage because he wanted to have sex regardless of the aftermath that he must have known would no be good.

Sinner: That sucks, sounds very disingenuous. Did you get any sexual pleasure out of the sex?

Payton: None. Hard to even call it sex, basically he put it in and unloaded.

Sinner: Wow. That might be the worst sex story I’ve ever heard.

Payton: The worst I’ve had.

Sinner: This is depressing, have you had any good sexual experiences.

Payton: There was one other when I got divorced that was good.

Sinner: So before Doug, you had good sex?

Payton: it was vacation sex, just a one time thing, but probably the best I have had. For sure the beset, actually. First new sex in eleven years, so that was part it.

Sinner: So your husband left you and then you went on vacation and got laid?

Payton: No, I left him. It actually happened before the divorce. Okay, let me explain. I discovered that my ex was having an affair and the other woman was a friend. I went on vacation with another friend to get some space from the situation and sort things out.

Between you and I, and everyone reading your blog who hopefully were not part of this, I was angry and wanted to hurt him back, so I did it as a revenge fuck. At the time I was thinking that I would have sex with someone to even the score, and then work things out with my husband on equal footing. I never saw the vacation guy again, but it did change my perspective. The next week I returned home and asked for a divorce.

Sinner: I’m sorry about your marriage, and your husband with your friend, that rough. It’s a fascinating story, not that it helps. So you intended to have revenge sex?

Payton: As bad as it may be, yes I did.

Sinner: Wow, did you tell your husband, ex?

Payton: I told him I slept with someone while I was “distraught and drunk” .. in truth it was a bit more intentional, again, that part is between us.

Sinner: That and the part about it being the best sex you ever had.

Payton: Yes, that part too.

Sinner: Was the vacation guy sex was better than it was with your husband.

Payton: No question, my ex was selfish , vacation guy was a giver… and gave, and gave. Lol.

Sinner: Nice.

Payton: (Payton is texting on her phone) Oh god, my friend Jill is checking on me, can’t believe she is still up. She says, “making sure your not chopped up in pieces. Hope I’m not interrupting anything? He’s cute, if I knew how to not be married for a an hour, I’d not be married all  over it.  I shouldn’t have said that, I’m drunk. Plus it’s true shhhhh.”

Sinner: I’m not blushing so don’t even. Tell her to come over, I know a way to not be married for an hour.

Payton: You do?

Sinner: No, lol,  I wish I was a priest right now, I could temporarily dissolve here marriage. But as a priest I couldn’t fuck her, back to the drawing board.

Payton: She’s so drunk, her Nana died and they were close, she never gets like this.

Sinner: She’s hot.

Payton: She is beautiful, for sure.

Sinner: As are you.

Payton: That’s sweet, thank you. I’m cute, Jill’s gorgeous.

Sinner: Maybe, but you have bigger boobs. Speaking of which, we’ll need a photo of them to post with the interview, standard policy.

Payton: Kiss my ass, that’s your policy.

Sinner: Thank you for doing this interview, will you do a part 2 sometime?

Payton: Maybe, perhaps I can talk Jill into doing one with me

Sinner: That would be great, please do. Thank you.


Suggest questions to ask Payton during (hopefully) her followup interview

Once in a very great while, I come across someone who makes me wonder – Perhaps God really does exist – maybe somehow, somewhere I could find him.

This time it’s someone who is dead against sex before marriage  – I hate to wonder what she thinks of some of the stuff I’ve posted here on the Diary,  –  If God is out there –  looks like I’m going to have to walk a long way, or at least not have any sex, to reach him.

I very rarely post something like this: in fact, I believe today will be the second time I’ve devoted a post in honor of another blogger. But, I was moved by some things I read on this blog, and also by this video.Stats

If God does exists, I believe there is a high probability that he can be found somewhere on the following blog,  so i thought I’d post links for those looking for him.

Here is a video:
Sex Series, Impotence of the Church

Here is her blog:
Revelations From Daddy in Heaven

Spiritual stories that counsel and educate with dreams, faith and healing.

 

 

 

I’ll ask You One & You Ask me One?

Choose an answer from the form below and submit it. Then include a question back, if you wish, and I’ll answer it.

Results will be posted on this page – you may select to keep your name anonymous if you wish.

Anyone Marry a Super Great Nice Person, Who Doesn’t Really “Bring it” to Bed?

Hey, truly nice people can be hard to find; And, especially if you’re not that interested in sex anyway, kindness more than makes up for bangin’-ness.

But this might be the worst of situations for those who are craving it – starving for a fucking of brains out; but, they’ve got an amazing and wonderful significant other – they’ll never have an excuse.

I’ve known a few people in a situation like this; less often men: not that there aren’t a lot of men with wives holding out on them, but there wives don’t seem very kindly. Besides, I’m not talking about one partner holding out on the other, or sexless marriages, I’m talking about reality – where they’re trying, but just not hot –  or, just can’t work it like you need it.

I haven’t been married, but I know it’s not exciting all the time, forever, for anyone. But some people seem too selfless in choosing their spouse for his or her kindness. I’m probably sounding like a dick in saying it, but some marry above or below their league, and then pay for it.

This one girl who I knew for around four years, she worked with me at the same company, and was the poster child for this kind of tragedy.

First, she was gorgeous, not bimbo hot, but classy perfect. Second, she married a really nice guy, several inches shorter, who you could just tell,  wasn’t fucking her well.

She was too good, and he was too good, there would be no leeway coming their way; I could  tell, because she was always friendly and never happy; she wanted to be a good person and not judge or be picky, but now she’s stuck with someone unattractive and lousy.

I know, I know. I talk about reality, and sometimes It takes an assholish-vernacular to get close to the truth. Of course there are so many other aspects to life, marriage, and people; but, there’s a point where someone can be selfish with their kindness, and use it to get out of other forms of giving.

Is it “kind” to be with someone you cannot satisfy? Is it kind to pretend like you don’t know that they could do better? – and they’re trapped,  to late now that they’ve learned better?

There’s many types of inequity that can posses our relationships. Most of them we can  seek advise or help about, but how tough it is for a person to seek help about a wonderful, kind spouse, who’ll just never fuck them well?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity

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There we were in Jenny’s backyard gazebo Jacuzzi. Her husband had been in France for over a month – supposedly he was visiting family. A few days before he left they had another big fight and he gave her a black eye. The black eye had almost gone away and I was at jenny’s house getting instructions. She was leaving for Europe to join her husband the next morning, and asked me dog and house sit for a month or so. It helped me too. I needed a place to stay while I looked for a new, more permanent cribtuation.

We were enjoying Jenny’s Jacuzzi one last time before she showed me how to drain it. Our shoulders were touching, my hand was resting on her leg and she had an elbow resting on mine –  she gave my knee a friendly squeeze. I wasn’t going to go any further without her making  a move. Soon her hand found my crotch and I responded – started kissing her. Before we were done with it all – she told me that she hadn’t had sex in a year – with her obese and abusive, albeit rich husband. Jenny was beautiful and had a promising modeling career before a near fatal car accident (courtesy of her previous boyfriend) put her in a coma for weeks and changed the course of her life. Her husband had let himself go – weighed around 300lbs – which isn’t a good weight for a short man who’s an asshole.


Intro
I’ve been planning on posting some arguments in support of infidelity to keep the discussion balanced. Due to feedback from a few readers – that the series has been too harsh or negative about infidelity and those involved in it, I’ve decided that now is the time to begin some cheating-positive posting.

I will keep the confidence of those who shared their thoughts in private – you know who you are and I immensely appreciate your input. I was relieved to hear the feedback – I’ve actually been concerned that this series has not been severe enough – that I’ve been normalizing cheating too much. I’ll probably get readers shaming me for “my glorification” of  cheating after this post, and I’ll be happy to listen to those concerns too.

There are times when infidelity is understandable – where cheating is justified. There are some who’d argue that sleeping with whomever you wish, whenever you want, is always justified. As we’ve discussed throughout the series, more times than not the answer is grey and fuzzy – cheating is often not clearly wrong and not exactly right; however, some cases seem much more understandable than others. Opportunity and special circumstances are among a handful of features that change the equation. And, more abstractly, unique predispositions for monogamy should not be discounted.

Opportunity
Suppose you were Brad Pitt or Emilia Clarke who plays Daenerys Targaryen in the Game of Thrones.

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These two have got hella opportunity; in fact, we could argue that they can practically, and literally, sleep with anyone they wish. Also, because of their profession, they have frequent contact with other extremely attractive people – often while away from home – outside their home countries even.

If I was working with Daenerys Targaryen in some far away country, and one evening after the day’s shooting she came to my trailer and said, “Duncan, do you want to grab a drink and then have really nasty sex in my presidential suite at the Ritz Carlton?” I don’t care how perfect of marriage I had with Jennifer Lopez, I’d sign up for miss Targaryen’s offer and worry about the consequences and moral issues later.

Isn’t there at least one person in the world that you’d betray  your marriage for – especially if the opportunity fell in your lap? I suspect that those who answer no, are probably not having much sex with their partner – probably not interested in sex with anybody.

Few of us have the beauty, job, fame and wealth of those mentioned, but if we have such blessings to a larger degree than the norm – or by some other factor have more than the usual access to highly desirable people, should some extra understanding be afforded – judgement suspended?

Special Circumstances
I opened this post with a story about a friend who cheated on her husband. There were several factors that in combination gave Jenny what I think should be a “special circumstances” exception. Jenny’s husband was physically and emotionally abusive, obese, gone half the time and hadn’t fucked her in over a year. But, Jenny had a young daughter, social standing and financial security. It may be easy for some to blame her for not getting a divorce instead of cheating – they should try going from wealthy to poor, moving into a tiny apartment, disrupting a child’s life and losing half their circle of friends. In certain circumstances, infidelity is practically essential and not so immoral.

Predisposition
Some do not find satisfaction in monogamy. Some argue that most of us have a predisposition for polyamory. When did we begin having monogamous relationships? Was it due to religion, or did we evolve towards monogamy for some  reason more intrinsic or instinctual? If monogamy is a social construct, did some of us evolve into it or have we all been socialized against our instincts?

Only 5% of the 4,000 or so mammal species stick with just one mate. The leading theory is “that males began balancing the need to spread their gene pool against the need to protect their young from being killed by other non-related males.” [Time magazine: What Drove Man to Monogamy: It Wasn’t Love]

If such evolution-logic ever applied, it doesn’t seem relevant today. In more modern times, there may have been other advantages to monogamy – perhaps it has increased the probability that our children succeeded and became able to find a healthy mate, procreate; these days, at least in western culture, even the educated, successful and monogamous couples are reproducing in much smaller numbers than those who are not restricting themselves to a traditional nuclear family arrangement. Perhaps monogamy has put certain types of people on a path to extinction?

If we’re not ready to condemn monogamy as completely antithetical to survival, should society at least be more accommodating of polyamorous inclinations or lifestyle choices? In western culture, we’ve reached an age that celebrates individual choices and defends minority dispositions. We accept – even fight to protect, alternative sexual preferences: gay, bisexual, and others. We even appreciate a person’s gender inclinations, and frown upon those who’d deny a person the gender identity they feel most comfortable with. But a nice young bride who’s natural inclination is to get fucked by a good variety of men  enjoys no such institutional support or defense. Even if she’s outstanding and traditional in every other way,  we’ve got issues with polyamory. Even if both partners are on bored with a poly-amorous marriage, it’s not even close to being something they can be open about and expect  social acceptance on par with LGBT sympathies.

Because of societies harsh attitude towards polyamory, it isn’t surprising that many who are compelled, or even predisposed to have sex outside their marriage, choose to keep it secret. When we hear of someone cheating, we jump to negative assumptions: there must be something terribly wrong with their marriage – or something fundamentally wrong with them or their spouse. How many of us cheat even though our marriage is fine and our spouse is as good as they come, because, we just aren’t satisfied with monogamy?

If, as a society, we’re not going to support and condone polyamorous behavior, to what degree should we at least suspend our judgement of those who cheat out of fundamental need for variety?  With all of today’s social progress,  there’s an undo lack of support for those who only cheat because they can’t follow their preference openly, without being ostracized. How many of us would opt out of monogamy if there was no cultural shame in doing so, and, no risk of losing other, perhaps more traditional, aspects of our lives?

For a more informed and in-depth perspective on polyamory, I highly recommend reading  A.C. Anderson’s essay and blog here Essay: Monogamy Unnatural?




Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.
Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?
Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity
Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity
Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.
Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?
Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship
Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?
Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity
Cheating 10: Looking for a bit of fun before spilling the beans
Cheating XI: How Not to Sleep With Married People

Loose Page Fell out of Diary – No Date On it – So Placing Here.

Infidelity is like one of those people you meet  – who breaks the molds of anyone you’ve known before – so you’re not quite sure about them at first. They’re either really smart and playing it brilliant, or real dense and not getting it at all – when you first meet them, you can’t tell which. If smart, wouldn’t it mean they’re deceptive as well? How else could someone so smart leave it to anyone’s guess as to whether they’re a dunce or clever – to be pitied or feared. Sometimes you draw when you could have laid down – to avoid the risk when it’s not certain if they’re bluffing. Maybe they don’t even see their own hand, but what if it’s you who’s missing what game they’re playing?

Does the cheater do it only for the power? It’s a dark truth, if we cheat, we grab the power – it’s an entirely unjust acquisition. Now we control what both sides know. Now the truth is ours to administer upon the others,  control them with. We are the gatekeepers of truth about all the stuff we’re doing, and all the stuff our lovers will, or will not be knowing.

And it’s bad, dreadful, drastic – to be on the cheated side, but even worse for the accessory to the cheating., When we’re the other – the cheater’s lie, we indirectly undermine our lover’s spouse – standing by as the cheater lies to a person who doesn’t even know we exist – let alone ever done us any harm. The guilt can weigh heavy and such choices make very little room for sympathy.

When serious people defy what they know is right, it’s a bloodbath inside. Fighting oneself is always a losing battle.The strongest are capable of doing the most damage – especially to themselves if that’s who they end up at odds with.

But it’s a fool’s errand, to own-to-death so much guilt about a situation where you’re just the other, the farthest from center – the least in the know – and cheapest for getting into a situation where you’ve got the least of anyone to gain.

The cheater always wins, unless, and until, they lose someone and get their own heart broken.

 

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Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Where can we be Naughty without cheating?

Another year has passed, and this year feels like the same routine. Are you wondering if you might end up the first on record to suffer death by boredom? maybe you’re locked in forever and trying to make the most of it.

Here you are,  reading blogs, and looking for something to quiet the restlessness – break up the long slow walk of married life ?  The quiet may be creams, if sex with your spouse is  suffering. The erotica you’ve been reading has helped – yes it’s gas on your fire and making and  it worse, and it’s looking like it is what it is, there’s nowhere you can go to meet this kind of need, you’ll have to grin and bare it

If you were a different kind of man or woman, in another world with no consequences, you’d just have an affair, or get a divorce. But you can’t do that – you don’t want too. You love your family and your spouse – you don’t want to hurt hurt anyone, nor have a crisis  on your hands..

Don’t give up just yet. There are perfectly acceptable ways to experience a little naughty interaction -let’s look for a way you can beat the system.

You’re situation might be less drastic. The reality of life – no matter how committed and wonderful our spouse, zero variety over years or decades feels like going to church on a hangover. Just bored? or, your spouse an utter bore? If any of this is you, and cheating isn’t an option, follow the light, keep reading.


The Sinner Saint Diary research department has dug deep to help good people, who wish to stay good to their spouse, yet satisfy needs that by definition, our spouse can’t satisfy.. (And by research team diving deep, I mean just me, over years, seeing ways people beat the system.)

If we apply the definition outlined in Part IV,, a person has cheated if their actions include all of the four components of cheating: a relationship, a person outside relationship, sexual stimulation and betrayal.  Absence of one or more of these components, behavior may still be wrong, but it isn’t cheating.

There aren’t many options, and they may not be as satisfying as cheating, yet may offer some relief from the mundane.

The trick is to find situations that inherently short circuit the rules: we want situations that are missing a key ingredient, but have most of the good ingredients. Here are the loopholes – activities that have have built-in features that disqualify them as cheating.

Imagination:

Loophole: because there is no way to confirm the activity of a person’s mind, with most relationships, couples do not try to establish thought rules.

The easiest, least restricted and most obvious way to escape the boundaries and circumvent the rules you’re bound by, is use your imagination, to envision whatever behavior and situations you find most stimulating.

And, you can borrow from the imagination and experiences of others – erotica literature is about the naughtiest way to be  completely innocent. I invite you to read Dare, the first Volume of The Sinner Saint Diary and enjoy the taste of the real thing without the calories.

Solo Fetishes

Loophole: There’s no other person involved – at least, as far as they know their not.

If you have a particular fetish for something that doesn’t involve another person, directly, The solo fetish loophole can be very rewarding. A variation of this loophole, allows for another person to be involved, but requires your fetish to be for something that is most would not find the least bit arousing. (getting your hair brushed causes you to have an orgasm).

Exhibitionism

If you are one of those who gets aroused by looking at others, or exposing yourself, there is a smorgasbord of opportunity to be naughty without being a bad partner. A lot of spouses won’t mind or won’t know when you let yourself be seen. (Disclaimer: Obviously, your spouse doesn’t want you going around town exposing yourself to random people. The rest of us non-creepy members of society don’t either… get help.)

If you do not get turned on when people see you exposed – you may be wondering why I’ve included this loophole – why it’s a loophole at all?

Sometimes, being seen is the only opportunity someone has to feel sexy or be a bit naughty. It’s better than nothing – even if something short of orgasmic; for some, nearly orgasmic. As with the following, you don’t have to break any laws or be hedonistic to get some needs met.

Maryann’s husband was a local politician. He wasn’t a bad husband – but was a bit square and didn’t like to party – cared about appearances. The two were married young, and Maryann had little to no experience before that. She’s about the horniest person I’ve  known and probably the least likely to cheat. I think she grew up catholic or fundamentalist – some kind of religiousness that plagued her with guilt for life – she’d never servive the guilt of an affair. The girl I was dating, living with actually, was one of Maryann’s friends. Their group of friends liked to go out drinking – and have parties. Maryann usually joined in, her husband hardly ever joined her.

Maryann allowed herself one congruence, one micro-misbehavior. She liked to expose herself – expose herself to us guys in the group – whenever she could – without being obnoxious about it. Her husband was never around when she did – he’d have no reason to worry about it, and there wasn’t much harm in it – she’d be around friends – not in view of husband’s voting public. After a few drinks, the exhibitionist would come out; it’s hard to describe how, but she’d usually find a reason or moment, to show her new underwear, or that she’s wearing none, and sometimes when only I could see, she’d lift her shirt up and say “flash attack.” Her boobs were small enough that in most outfits she could get away with not wearing a bra – she rarely did. I never asked about  what compelled this behavior – it must have been very satisfying for her – to be be so compulsive. Perhaps it was just passive aggression, about her husband never being around.

The Sinner Saint Diary Volume V, to be published later this year, Is about a cube mate i worked with for a year, who exposed herself almost daily, and did other things, all sanctioned under the umbrella of being a “total flirt.” I call what she would do, “chicken flirting.” However she defined it, she’d basically see how far she could go without officially doing anything wrong. In the process, she’d tease and frustrate the hell out of most the guys in the office. She didn’t know what she was in for when she took up the chick flirt with me – but that’s all in the the story. What’s relevant to this discussion, is that her loophole was that her husband new and accepted she was a flirt – and, whatever he knew of it, her flirting included just about everything that didn’t involve contact. It amused her greatly to expose herself and get me going, and she saw her share of me as well. This was her thing – her loophole, and it seemed to be working well for her, until it didn’t.

You can be seen without being obvious. My neighbor sees me- from her home office over her garage. Her window by her desk looks into my back and gives her an unobstructed view, through a wall of sliding glass doors, right into my living room and dining area.. Turns me on like crazy, this game we’ve been playing.

Solo fetish variation: massage  

Not the happy ending kind. Well, yes the happy ending kind, but not the kind with inappropriate touching (unless you want it to be cheating).

I’ve seen different estimates, but supposedly between five and ten percent of those getting a massage will have an orgasm of some kind without any inappropriate contact. If this happens to you, congratulations, you’ve got a loophole-optimum predisposition, where having an orgasm while being touched by others, is no more than a phone call and a “Benjamin” away – any day. The orgasms happen naturally – unless you agreed to never get a massage, you’ve not betrayed your spouse, did not have sexual interaction with another, and.. basically beating the hell out of the  system.

(p.s. You’re not off the hook if they jack you off or rub your clit. However, for those willing to cross this line, for tomorrow’s post, Part sex,  I cover everything you didn’t know yoiu wanted to know about how to have a happy time getting massages at reputable places. Yes, there are women getting happy endings, I know three of them. And men – it is possible to have a normal massage result in a happy ending, read the next part of this series for the secrets on how that happens.)

Bi-Trysperiences

Loophole: You’re heterosexual, so your spouse doesn’t get bothered by the thought of you having contact with other girls.

Perhaps you and your spouse have never even covered the ground rules pertaining to same-sex interaction. If it turns you on to be touched by a person of the same gender – a minor bi-experience might pass through a  loophole – on a technicality or two. Because your mainly not bisexual, Your spouse might not have expectations one way or another, about what you might do with someone of your own gender. Sex with a girl friend? Probably not, but hitting a strip club on girls’ night out, getting lap dances from a stripper who’s hand disappears up your skirt a few times? Seen it happen.

Suspend the rules:

Include your Partner:

If your significant other cheats at the same time, it cancels out your cheating.

Play a naughty game with friends or go out with your partner and do something monogamish. Depending on what you do, it an be a little risky to push the boundaries, but at least of you get your partner on board, you won’t’ be cheating.

In Dare, Volume I of The sinner Saint Dairy, I tell write about a real life Truth-or=Dare game that a few friends and I ended up playing one night. In our game , there were six non-single people included: one couple married, another engaged and the other two were dating. Three of us were single. That story of that night is a perfect example of mutual nullification. Each  of us did things that would have been unacceptable – without the others also misbehaving. Even that didn’t cover some of us who drifted beyond (okay lost sight of) “justifiable” territory.

Ask for a temporary separation

This might be harmful to your relationship, but it removes the betrayal aspect. If you know you’re going to sleep around – and that your spouse is likely to find out, you’ll have less on your conscience and a better chance at saving your marriage if you ask for a temporary separation.

(p.s. If your spouse asks for a separation, most likely they’re going to get busy right away and they probably already know who with.)

If you are the one who asked for the separation, do yourself a favor and don’t let your group of friends in on your extra-marital activities. This doesn’t make your spouse look bad, it makes you look bad. And, if you do get back together, both you and your spouse will have less respect. If your spouse asked for the separation, not only should you be sure you have sex others, you might want to have your circle of friends aware of it. You’ll not be blamed because your spouse is the one who asked for it, you’ll look less pathetic, and hopefully your spouse will here about it and know what’s good for the goose is goose it’s good for the gander. You can be sure they are messing around – only point in asking for a separation, and you’re they’re more likely to come back if they see that you’re doing your thing – you’ll seem less pathetic.

Misbehave Zones

Loophole: cultural and community rules supersede couple rules.

Culturally, western societies allow artists to bend the rules, and excuse otherwise unacceptable activity when integral to artistic expression. Cultural norms are so powerful, that they confer exceptions to rules of romantic commitment. You don’t have to be a professional artist for these rules to apply.

This is the only type of activity where it is possible to get away with all the aspects of cheating, without doing anything wrong or suffer any consequences. I have taken full advantage of culturally safe zones, not to be confused with the safe zones created for fragile college students who should still be on a bottle, not attending college.

By cultural safe zones, I’m referring to special circumstances where cultural expectations not only tolerate activity outside the bounds of marriage, but protect it. Not by law, but community expectation.

The Arts are where most safe zones can be found.

Theatre

The theatre is the most accommodating. I majored in theatre and can unequivocally testify that theatrical endeavor is rich with opportunities to do bad things and get away with it: theatre often entails close interaction with the most uninhibited… being uninhibited is practically a tenant of the art – so expected that it’s nearly seen as a requirement.

You don’t have to go back to college for a theatre degree to get involved and gain enough artistic cover to be a little naughty. If getting a degree in theatre isn’t an option, the best way to get involved is to sign up for acting courses; or, you could take costuming or set design courses and then volunteer at a local theater. If you’re around theatre, you’ll see uninhibited behavior, but if you’re wanting contact with others, acting is by far the way to go.

Any scene you must prepare for an acting class, or any play you act a part in – if it is written for you to do – you’re excused to do it. You’re not you during the hundred times you practice that scene: you’re the character. Passionate kissing, nudity, groping, touching – anything that character does – is totally accepted and nobody holds you responsible as if they were your actions, or things you chose to do. This is very necessary to the art, but pretty crazy as well. Acting is very unique – the culturally safest zone where anyone can go to escape their marital boundaries without breaking any boundaries.

(I remember several older, married students from acting courses: Stacy was the most memorable – a married, devout catholic woman who was in two of my acting courses. She was around thirty and had been married for a few years. I’d seen her husband – probably with her at a play or something. Anyway, this woman Stacy was attractive – not stunning – but clearly out of her husband’s league. I don’t know the details of her marriage or why she’d married her husband, but I could tell she was starving for affection… no way would she ever cheat. What she did do, is ask me to be her scene partner for our final, and chose a scene which included a lot of contact working up to passionate kissing. I don’t know how many times we practiced the scene – several times at my apartment, half a dozen times in a studio on campus… not once at her home around her husband.)

Art

If seeing some nudity is enough to give you a thrill, a life drawing or painting course is an easy way to make that happen, you’re guaranteed to see people naked – but it’s a crap shoot how hot they’ll be. If you seriously pursue art, it becomes a pretty good excuse to see people with their clothes off – depending on how sensitive your spouse is – I doubt they’d  raise issue with you having to draw someone nude for class.


And now, your turn:

I would love to hear about other loopholes you’ve found – perhaps you’ve found a unique way to keep things interesting? And, whether or not we actually do any of this stuff,  it’s fun to just think and scheme about it, isn’t it?

Now that we’ve looked at some loophole – how to get a bit naughty without cheating, the next part in the series will discuss options for those willing to cross the line. If you’re going to cheat,  tomorrow you can read Part VI on how to to cheat and mitigate the risk.



Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.
Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?
Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity
Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity
Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.
Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?
Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship
Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?
Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity
Cheating 10: Looking for a bit of fun before spilling the beans
Cheating XI: How Not to Sleep With Married People


If you enjoy reading sexually arousing stories that are also thought provoking, you’ll love reading Dare, the first publication of the Sinner Saint Diary series. Click here for book info previews on Amazon.


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