Cheating XI: How Not to Sleep With Married People

If you have read a bit of this blog, you probably know that I’ve accidentally hooked up with a few married people. Shut-up – don’t clear your throat – how rude.

In this episode of our cheating series, I wish to share my experience in order to help not sleep with the wrong married people, if you every accidentally do.

If you have been reading the Sinner Saint Diary for a while, you may have noticed that there are not a lot of re-occurring roles, for the married women I have written about. There’s a reason why this doesn’t happen, I’ve gotten my heart broken and learned a few lessons.

Not to not sleep with 1: Don’t sleep with a married person if they aren’t separated or at least wrapping up a divorce. If you do, make it a one time event: don’t date them or make it a routine. And for God’s sake, don’t fall in love with them.

Yes, I know, you have no interested nor intention of falling in love with a married person – I’ve been there too; funny thing about nature, when people fuck regularly, love happens.

But, it’s different with this person you’ve been seeing, right? Perhaps because…

“They don’t even love their (husband/wife), they just can’t leave yet because (insert reason here – financial, kids, spouse is sick, weather is bad, etc)

“They have not slept with their spouse in years, it is basically a roommate situation…”

“We knew it from the moment we met, we are soul mates and we are meant to be, their marriage is just a temporary obstacle on our road to true love bliss…”

These reasons are compelling, I know because I have bought in to them too. I could have saved some heartache had I known: if a person is ready, able and open –  to giving their heart to you or anyone other than their spouse, they would be gone or in the process of leaving.

Maybe they love you, but if they are not determined to end their marriage, there is likely a reason why – and the same reason will prevent their feelings from outlasting the initial infatuation.

BUT: Should you accidentally sleep with them once, good chance it will be really really great! Unless, they stray from their marriage often – which brings us to the next type of married person not to sleep with.

“But, they have an open marriage, sort of, so what’s the harm? They’re just looking for sex and so am I.”

Who to Not to sleep with 2: Are you looking for a disease? Or, shallow encounters that make you feel like you just used a human being as a masturbation device? or, them you?

If the person and their spouse are both into polyamory or whatever the fuck, perhaps it is better – but then it’s not really cheating; however, if the person is cheating with a variety of people, behind their spouses back, is that what you are looking for? someone dishonest, cheap and unavailable?

reader: Fuck this blog! Like I really need more negativity or lectures about things I shouldn’t be doing. #not, #overit, #lickmeDontpreachme

I think I will unfollow — this bullshit is bringing me down!

Hold on a damn second, I’m not finished, so calm the fuck down. And keep reading.

… Are we calm?

Um, Why are you touching yourself there?

Okay, where was I? Yes, was getting to the “how to not sleep with the right married people section,” happy?

Who is better to not sleep with: The Beluga of married persons to hookup with, are those undergoing a temporary separation: You’ve probably heard me comment on this before – for good reason, there’s only one reason for the “temporary separation” … actually there are two – and both are good news for you:

1. The married person wants to fuck someone else (you) so bad, they incurred the expense and went through the drama to  move out of their damn home.

2. They were not getting any “on the side” before the separation, and won’t be getting any when the separations ends – or else they would not have to move out to “separate.” 

For anyone fooling themselves, who thinks a temporary separation is not so the married person can screw their brains out for a short time without having to account for it, you must be the spouse of one, and it’s better you know the truth.

There is the same danger of falling in love with the separated married person – don’t do it. They are probably even less likely to leave their marriage for you. They’ll rock your world and wreck you – all in a few months time – and by the time you come back to, they’ll be back with their spouse and all but forgotten you.

It is one of those laws of marital nature, if they go through all the trouble of a temporary separation, they are strongly committed. And, they are doing it because they want to fuck, Period!

They will never admit it and will likely take what you do with them to their grave, while their spouse thinks they were reading self help books and focusing on “getting healthy.” 

And now for the very worst and very best married person you should not sleep with…

Worst person to not sleep with: While you avoid sleeping with married people, avoid double the married person who’s been living on their own for any significant amount of time and no divorce papers have been signed.

This situation comes with the most risk and the least reward. There is some reason why divorce still has not happened; it must be a strong reason, or it would have!- How many happy, safe reasons can you think of – as to why a person would live alone for a long time without divorce?

Exactly, it’s creepy. Besides, they’ve had their freedom for a while, and getting a slice is no big thing; they have already been through their fucking-like-a-rabid-teenage-Rabbit-phase.

Perhaps they want your help to extricate them from their abusive husband Guido? or, their borderline psycho wife Haterknifeloveress, how happy would that fun be?

Very Best Person to not ever sleep with: We will end up on an up note and talk about the very best married person to accidentally sleep with…

But first!

I just remembered…

Another consideration: This is a caveat to the best option: While the penultimate accident to fall upon, can be with a person who’s ink is still fresh on the divorce papers – if they were not in favor of ending their marriage, especially if they were cheated on, prepare for tears in place or orgasms.

Why you ask?

Think back to relationships you have ended and those who have ended you. Were you not over the one’s you ended much faster? And, when you’ve been let go, did it not sort of make you want them even more? Their mind will be on them and they don’t want to fuck, if they do it’s stick it to their ex.

But with the non-jilted spouse who just wants out…

Did you ever go to disneyland as a child? Remember the anticipation in the car when the first ride had been spotted? Or, remember what the last hour of class before summer vacation used to feel like – how it seemed to last an eternity? All the energy you felt – perhaps a fog of euphoria – when you  broke free and the limitlessness and freedom of summer began?

Fair enough, you might get the dirtier sex from the separated spouse or the one trapped for life in a sexless marriage. But, you and the the almost unchained, will have hopeful, laughing sex.. and they will soon be available if you accidentally fall head over heals.


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.
Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?
Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity
Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity
Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.
Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?
Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship
Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?
Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity
Cheating 10: Looking for a bit of fun before spilling the beans
Cheating XI: How Not to Sleep With Married People

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Cheating 10: Looking for a bit of fun before spilling the beans.

We’ve put our discussion down for some time – and now we resume with this tenth installment of the Sinner Saint Diary Cheating series. (links below)

Throughout the series we’ve looked at some destructive situations, shared some marital tragedies, and while some of these stories are in a way quite sexy, most come at a cost.

The Original topic for this installment was be, “Do you spill the beans or not, when you think you find out that your friend’s significant other is cheating: I’ve got a two huge, real life stories about this, that family members and I were caught up in. While the topic has many serious, if not interesting aspects for discussion, it’s not particularly sexy, fun and happy.

So, before we go down deep about cheating, we’re going to ease our way back in and look for a brighter side. I’m wondering where there might be space to play.

“Please, dear lord, I beg you – can we just have a little bit of harmless fun already?’

Looking for fun in grim and unlikely places, is…. Well, not something I’m particularly adverse to.  Let this be our meta-mission: if there are any happy aspects of cheating, perhaps we’ll find them by looking at cheating where it’s left the least damage – or, perhaps where it is no longer cheating at all.

If this sounds a bit familiar, it brings us back to where the series began. On thing this series has made clear, the edges and grey areas are where infidelity – its discussion at least, becomes the most interesting; otherwise, cheating – is fucking – is cheating, sort of – discussion over.

So, here’s the question, again: are there any ways we can play around a bit without feeling too guilty or doing too much damage? If we’re just a tiny bit unfaithful perhaps? Or, by the time we’ve sanitized it to that degree, is it even cheating? Is it worth cheating without any fucking? At what exact point does cheating become just flirting, or more important, where exactly does flirting cross over? I think we should pinpoint that spot and set up camp there.

Are you lost yet? Great, then you have good cause to keep reading. Afterwards,  I might just rename the series to, “The Sinner Saint’s quest to rationalize bad behavior, and reason his way out of hell.” – That is what these topics feel like, but damn it – if that’s a game my subconscious is playing – what can I say, I hope to hell it works.

We’re looking for where cheating is playful and light, so here is a more playful experience that blurred the boundaries without causing catastrophe. I’m interested in your thoughts and comments – would you consider the following situation to be cheating – or just flirting? Also, have you found a boundary? How close to the boundary do you go, or have you gone, and is it a good thing, or wrong?

(I hope you all leave me a really big tip because I had to dig far and deep, go with something nobody has ever known about, to come up with a real life experience on this topic that I’ve not already shared. (p.s. comments and tit flashes are accepted as currency at the SS Diary.)

I’ve never been married, but the following events happened while I was living with a girlfriend – in a monogamous,, semi-long term relationship.

Remembering back, my girlfriend and I, and our friends, did a lot of dancing. It seems strange now, but going to bars or clubs and dancing was routine. Perhaps it still is – I’ve since moved to a different environment… or,  maybe people just don’t dance much when they get old as fossilized sand.

Anyway, if it seems far fetched, trust me – drinking and dancing in packed bars and clubs, with groups of friends on the dance floor, was not fetched far at all, once upon my twenties.

We’d often meet up in groups of up to twenty or so, to drink and dance like this. There was one married couple that my girlfriend and I were particularly fond of.

Now, what happened might  sound subtle or strange, yet, is this not where most of our private or forbidden choices happen? In the dark, unspoken, and known only to ourselves and the one other person in the world who participated?

Both of them were extremely attractive – no doubt my girlfriend would have liked a piece of him. They were also really nice and cool – making them even more attractive. I don’t remember how it started, and to this days we’ve never acknowledged nor spoken a single word about it, but it just kind of evolved: whenever they were around and there was dancing, the wife and I would eventually find close proximity.

We were all big drinkers – no doubt that helped such behavior come about. What I mean is, under the cover of crowd packed dance floors, or dim lit dive bars, we’d always  find our way to the other at some point, dance against each other, and sneak some touches, we were discrete and watchful, acted in-deliberate, yet, the last time I can specifically remember, I actually came in my pants, so, we are not talking about some accidental shoulder grazing here. Not sure if she knew it, that I actually came that time, and I never told her… but, yea, that’s what I mean when I tell you we would dance closely.

This never happened in any other context. There was never any drama nor consequence, and it was really fun. This went on for two years probably. The contact was unquestionably inappropriate, but her and I were the only souls on earth who knew about it.

That is a happy place, right? Perhaps you don’t consider it cheating? When someone has an orgasm, by definition it must be, right?

Please use the comment section liberally, no worries, I bought an endless supply. What is your story? What is your little naughty thing you do that no other soul on earth knows about, that keeps your desire rolling?


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.
Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?
Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity
Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity
Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.
Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?
Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship
Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?
Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity
Cheating 10: Looking for a bit of fun before spilling the beans
Cheating XI: How Not to Sleep With Married People

Dr G certified psychologist dissection/interview: Savior, Phallus complex, Marriage, non Marriage

Dr G:: interview

Okay, this is a risky interview for both parties. In order to get Dr G to agree to this interview, I actually had to agree to terms in writing – first time.

  • She was guaranteed full final approval of all content and redaction – redaction have been noted.
  • There must be no subsequent disclosure without full consent.
  • Dr G reserved the right to pull the interview at anytime before or after publication.

These terms were completely understandable and fair. The Dr. has a well known practice,  and is taking risk on behalf of contributing to my blog. It might be my undoing, but I immensely appreciate the Dr for her professional, unique and consequential contribution the SSD blog.

SS: Thank you for taking time to do this. Would you please introduce yourself and what you do?


Dr G: Thank you, I can say this is a first for me. I am a wife and mother to three children, two in high school and one just completing her first year of college. I am a board certified couple & family psychologist. in private practice. [redaction]

SS: Did you read anything on my blog before this interview.

Dr G::: All of it.

SS: Uh oh. And your thoughts – why are you doing this interview despite reading “all of it?”

Dr G: Well, it’s an entertainment blog, right? I find it entertaining. I’m not sure if many of those who read the blog meet you first, but that was an interesting factor – this nice unobtrusive gentleman with these sexual admonitions. You make it clear that you speak from a layman’s perspective and, unlike I’ve seen by some others online, you’re discussing and not advising. That said, measured against the cases I’ve treated, I find your anecdotes or “on the ground in the field” research highly plausible. The stories you speak of are either true, or you’re an experienced psychologist, or an exceptionally perceptive artist, whichever the case, I’d say there’s value in what you’re saying.

SS: So you don’t find the sexual parts “true to form?”

Dr G.: Therapy usually doesn’t get as sexually explicit, or specific. It’s probably part of what makes your tales interesting, they include the hidden and forbidden parts of the story.

SS: So, you don’t discuss explicit or specific sexual matters with your patients?

Dr G.: Sometimes, but more often we focus on the problematic areas, as opposed to those aspects you’d probably find most provocative or stimulating. [redaction here]

SS: I gave you the option to do this interview over text if you wanted and you chose to do this in person, why? I’m glad you did BTW, just curious?

Dr G: Primarily to get my little contract signed and felt I would have more control over the publishing, or non-publishing process. Secondarily, I figured we might as well keep it real, and here I get to see your collection of musical instruments and your artwork.

SS: So you read “all of it,” you say, you didn’t read my first publication Dare did you?

Dr G. I said all of it, yes I purchased and read Dare

SS: Wow. But, thank you very much for doing so – I would have of course sent you a copy for free – you’ve got a life time membership to the Sinner Saint Diary series now. So, I’m afraid to ask, but based on everything you’ve read – can you give me a non-binding, off the record, off the cuff psychological summary or profile of me?

Dr G. : If I had a month to do so. Kidding. Let’s be clear this is premature, non-professional and as you say “non-binding.” There’s the most obvious suspicion one might have, commitment issues. I’ve met you and I see no perceivable reason other than your psychology why you haven’t married or chosen more long term relationships.

You seem to have a strong desire to rescue, a “savior complex” of sorts. I get the sense that you feel you’ve harmed, or let someone be harmed, and you have a compulsion to undo or make up for it? I suspect your guilt is out of proportion and you’ve judged yourself too severely.

Then there’s the “elephant in the room,” a phallus-related complex? Perhaps you have failed or feel insecure about, unaccomplished in “saving” people with your mind? Just brainstorming possibilities, please don’t take any of this as firm opinion. What else, perhaps you have a perception of inadequacy about your intellectual desirability? Or, maybe you feel inadequate physically, so you compensate through your stories? Could be many reasons, but the fact that your genitalia play such a role, seems a pointer baring a degree of psychological significance.

SS: What an answer, thank you for not giving some safe, “I’d need more info,” answer. I feel dissected and revealed – but I asked for it. So, this penis complex I have, that’s tough love, but fair enough, I’d like to get to the bottom of that. Clinically speaking, would it help narrow down the possible root of the complex if you’d seen my “phallus?”

Dr G: It may have eliminated one or two possibilities, but we could probably  understand the fixation with some discussion.

(It’s’ embarrassing enough to be hearing about this “phallus complex” I supposedly have, not going to give the inadequacy theory any oxygen. Here in the interview I walked over to the kitchen to grab the wine bottle for refills – and briefly flashed my dick to Dr G on the way.)

Dr G.: Okay, new data, Oh dear, what time might be saved if I’d had this sort of anatomical discovery on some cases. Kidding. So, what do you think, why do you think you feature your phallus prominently as compared to other aspects in many of your stories? Aside from the obvious.

SS: Simple reasons. One, as told in my stories, my phallus gets mentioned and participates. Two, it turns me on to experience and also write about my phallus getting attention or turning anyone on. Three, I know anatomy is shallow to acknowledge and supposed to be inconsequential, but some situations – some stories – involve the phallus – a few even revolve around it.

Dr G: Perhaps we can describe it as more of a “fetish,” than a “complex?”

SS: You’re the Dr, you tell me.

Dr G:i want to re-read everything in light of new discoveries.

SS: So, couple and family psychology, does that include sex therapy?

Dr G: Yes. I wrote a thesis related to that. [redacted]

SS: Do I need therapy?

Dr G: That depends, do you feel like you do? You seem to be happy and high functioning, but that’s your decision not mine.

SS: Who goes to sex therapy and for what purpose?

Dr G: Often sex therapy is a component of a larger scope of therapy. Often, the sex related issues are symptom, cause or component of a larger scope of treatment. And then there’s cases involving sexual abuse, addiction and dysfunction. Some of your stories are pertinent in that they describe the straightforward facts, without the baggage, of the reality some experience. It’s’ human nature for people to be selective with their truth, and your stories tell the parts that I infer. Not that everyone I work with aren’t truthful, sometimes they are too close to the problem to see the truth.

SS: Okay, I know you can’t divulge specific cases, but in general, what are some more common sex related issues that you’ve seen or treated?

Dr G: Infidelity. Sexual dysfunction. Sexual incompatibility or problematic fetishes. Sexual compulsion. Hypersexuality, although I don’t see all hypersexuality as pathological. I’ve seen those who have a clearly deleterious pathology to their sexual compulsions, and those who are more – like like you seem to be,  high-libido without derangement, distress or impairment in social, occupational or other areas of functioning associated with the frequency and intensity of these sexual fantasies, urges, and behavior.

Perhaps, being aware of your “highly charged proclivities” (if you have such), you deliberately avoided commitment as opposed to committing to someone knowing you would inevitably be unfaithful? If so, I commend you for that, but have you considered any non-traditional options? A partner open to a poly-amorous agreement perhaps? I mention this only because I get the sense you are sacrificing much for your nature, for the sake of your integrity. I’ll stop there, you’ll have to be a paying customer to get more.

SS: Well that’s good. You don’t find my “hypersexuality” to be pathological and crazy? That’s a relief. No, I get what you’re saying. I don’t think I’m that hypersexual actually, I’m a normal, healthy guy who likes women and sex, yes. Okay, a little hypersexual yes, but not as much anymore. When I was a teen and in my early to mid 20s it was a different story. There was no pill to calm such a libido. Thank god for my parents and the education they gave me – I’d be dead or in big trouble long before now if they’d not informed me as they had. I’m lucky to be alive and healthy as it were. But, as my stories have or will detail, things were crazy. Would you like to see my “phallus ” erect so you can rule out erectile dysfunction as the reason I have my phallus complex?

Dr G: No, I will completely take your word on that. You’ve proven enough, let’s leave that one for the imagination.

SS: So, did Dare or any of my stories turn you on? Did you like them? Or, was it purely a clinical read?

Dr G: I said I found them entertaining. You’re a smart man, I think you can read the subtext in that.

SS: True, the subtext I read was that it turned you on, you masturbated over it, and contributed to the reason you chose to do this interview in person.

Dr G: I won’t confirm or deny that statement.

SS: OMG, you read my blog or my book Dare and actually masturbated during or right after reading?

Dr G: Again, I won’t confirm or deny.

SS: Wow, despite my phallus and savior complex, I encouraged you to get off? Awesome, good to know even Doctors get off.

Dr G: [redacted]

SS: I really hope you don’t cut that out of the interview.

Dr G: 100% I will cut that out of this interview.

SS: damn.

Dr G: Sorry, you agreed to rules. I’d let that stay if not for the obvious identifier.

SS: I know. So, how is your sex life with husband, is it perfect because you’re an expert?

Dr G: of course not, no relationship, marriage or sex life is perfect.

SS: In what ways is it not perfect?

Dr G: We are normal and imperfect as all couples are. In our forties, the Cialis isn’t always effective, he’s overweight and I’ve worked harder to maintain my appearance. However, when I was pregnant and our kids were young, his sexual needs were not met like he’d have liked and yet he stuck in there with me. Marriage is a contract not a perfect solution. We agreed not to quit or leave each other, better or worse.

SS: Well, you’re a woman who stuck by her word, I admire that.

Dr G: Yes I have.

SS: Can we kiss though?

Dr G: Sure.

([redacted description])


I hope everyone enjoyed this one of Kind interview. I cannot thank Dr G enough for participating. Thank You.

Please comment and let me know if you enjoy such content or suggest how I might make this blog more meaningful.

Thank you.

Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity

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There we were in Jenny’s backyard gazebo Jacuzzi. Her husband had been in France for over a month – supposedly he was visiting family. A few days before he left they had another big fight and he gave her a black eye. The black eye had almost gone away and I was at jenny’s house getting instructions. She was leaving for Europe to join her husband the next morning, and asked me dog and house sit for a month or so. It helped me too. I needed a place to stay while I looked for a new, more permanent cribtuation.

We were enjoying Jenny’s Jacuzzi one last time before she showed me how to drain it. Our shoulders were touching, my hand was resting on her leg and she had an elbow resting on mine –  she gave my knee a friendly squeeze. I wasn’t going to go any further without her making  a move. Soon her hand found my crotch and I responded – started kissing her. Before we were done with it all – she told me that she hadn’t had sex in a year – with her obese and abusive, albeit rich husband. Jenny was beautiful and had a promising modeling career before a near fatal car accident (courtesy of her previous boyfriend) put her in a coma for weeks and changed the course of her life. Her husband had let himself go – weighed around 300lbs – which isn’t a good weight for a short man who’s an asshole.


Intro
I’ve been planning on posting some arguments in support of infidelity to keep the discussion balanced. Due to feedback from a few readers – that the series has been too harsh or negative about infidelity and those involved in it, I’ve decided that now is the time to begin some cheating-positive posting.

I will keep the confidence of those who shared their thoughts in private – you know who you are and I immensely appreciate your input. I was relieved to hear the feedback – I’ve actually been concerned that this series has not been severe enough – that I’ve been normalizing cheating too much. I’ll probably get readers shaming me for “my glorification” of  cheating after this post, and I’ll be happy to listen to those concerns too.

There are times when infidelity is understandable – where cheating is justified. There are some who’d argue that sleeping with whomever you wish, whenever you want, is always justified. As we’ve discussed throughout the series, more times than not the answer is grey and fuzzy – cheating is often not clearly wrong and not exactly right; however, some cases seem much more understandable than others. Opportunity and special circumstances are among a handful of features that change the equation. And, more abstractly, unique predispositions for monogamy should not be discounted.

Opportunity
Suppose you were Brad Pitt or Emilia Clarke who plays Daenerys Targaryen in the Game of Thrones.

brad-pitttargaryen

These two have got hella opportunity; in fact, we could argue that they can practically, and literally, sleep with anyone they wish. Also, because of their profession, they have frequent contact with other extremely attractive people – often while away from home – outside their home countries even.

If I was working with Daenerys Targaryen in some far away country, and one evening after the day’s shooting she came to my trailer and said, “Duncan, do you want to grab a drink and then have really nasty sex in my presidential suite at the Ritz Carlton?” I don’t care how perfect of marriage I had with Jennifer Lopez, I’d sign up for miss Targaryen’s offer and worry about the consequences and moral issues later.

Isn’t there at least one person in the world that you’d betray  your marriage for – especially if the opportunity fell in your lap? I suspect that those who answer no, are probably not having much sex with their partner – probably not interested in sex with anybody.

Few of us have the beauty, job, fame and wealth of those mentioned, but if we have such blessings to a larger degree than the norm – or by some other factor have more than the usual access to highly desirable people, should some extra understanding be afforded – judgement suspended?

Special Circumstances
I opened this post with a story about a friend who cheated on her husband. There were several factors that in combination gave Jenny what I think should be a “special circumstances” exception. Jenny’s husband was physically and emotionally abusive, obese, gone half the time and hadn’t fucked her in over a year. But, Jenny had a young daughter, social standing and financial security. It may be easy for some to blame her for not getting a divorce instead of cheating – they should try going from wealthy to poor, moving into a tiny apartment, disrupting a child’s life and losing half their circle of friends. In certain circumstances, infidelity is practically essential and not so immoral.

Predisposition
Some do not find satisfaction in monogamy. Some argue that most of us have a predisposition for polyamory. When did we begin having monogamous relationships? Was it due to religion, or did we evolve towards monogamy for some  reason more intrinsic or instinctual? If monogamy is a social construct, did some of us evolve into it or have we all been socialized against our instincts?

Only 5% of the 4,000 or so mammal species stick with just one mate. The leading theory is “that males began balancing the need to spread their gene pool against the need to protect their young from being killed by other non-related males.” [Time magazine: What Drove Man to Monogamy: It Wasn’t Love]

If such evolution-logic ever applied, it doesn’t seem relevant today. In more modern times, there may have been other advantages to monogamy – perhaps it has increased the probability that our children succeeded and became able to find a healthy mate, procreate; these days, at least in western culture, even the educated, successful and monogamous couples are reproducing in much smaller numbers than those who are not restricting themselves to a traditional nuclear family arrangement. Perhaps monogamy has put certain types of people on a path to extinction?

If we’re not ready to condemn monogamy as completely antithetical to survival, should society at least be more accommodating of polyamorous inclinations or lifestyle choices? In western culture, we’ve reached an age that celebrates individual choices and defends minority dispositions. We accept – even fight to protect, alternative sexual preferences: gay, bisexual, and others. We even appreciate a person’s gender inclinations, and frown upon those who’d deny a person the gender identity they feel most comfortable with. But a nice young bride who’s natural inclination is to get fucked by a good variety of men  enjoys no such institutional support or defense. Even if she’s outstanding and traditional in every other way,  we’ve got issues with polyamory. Even if both partners are on bored with a poly-amorous marriage, it’s not even close to being something they can be open about and expect  social acceptance on par with LGBT sympathies.

Because of societies harsh attitude towards polyamory, it isn’t surprising that many who are compelled, or even predisposed to have sex outside their marriage, choose to keep it secret. When we hear of someone cheating, we jump to negative assumptions: there must be something terribly wrong with their marriage – or something fundamentally wrong with them or their spouse. How many of us cheat even though our marriage is fine and our spouse is as good as they come, because, we just aren’t satisfied with monogamy?

If, as a society, we’re not going to support and condone polyamorous behavior, to what degree should we at least suspend our judgement of those who cheat out of fundamental need for variety?  With all of today’s social progress,  there’s an undo lack of support for those who only cheat because they can’t follow their preference openly, without being ostracized. How many of us would opt out of monogamy if there was no cultural shame in doing so, and, no risk of losing other, perhaps more traditional, aspects of our lives?

For a more informed and in-depth perspective on polyamory, I highly recommend reading  A.C. Anderson’s essay and blog here Essay: Monogamy Unnatural?




Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.
Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?
Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity
Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity
Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.
Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?
Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship
Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?
Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity
Cheating 10: Looking for a bit of fun before spilling the beans
Cheating XI: How Not to Sleep With Married People

Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

A lot has been written about how men cheat for the sex and affairs for women tend to be more emotional. As often, people talk about how cheating is a replacement for something that a person is not getting from their marriage or spouse. How often is it more, and less than that? Do we ever cheat as a settlement for something unrelated to our marriage or significant other, something greater we wanted?

How great can the greatest sex be? The greatest I can imagine, is only a matter of moments, an hour, a day, a memory. What is that compared to the most significant aspects of a life? Life long friendships, parents, children, success, fame, meaning, a purpose, adoration, safety, hope, admiration, or reconciliation, and other things, may be bigger, last longer – and in whatever way, be more significant to our lifetimes, than a fuck or affair.

This is not to say that sexual desire and emotional care are not significant needs. If a good fuck or some romance is truly all that’s needed, and some kind of affair can answer a painful deficiency of such things- cure long term anxiety, then great – we’ve likely found our solution. If we’re going to go that far and take such risks – throw down and lay down the chips, let’s be raw freaking honest about why were doing it, and make sure that infidelity is merely a supplement to what we’re missing in our relationship, and not a substitute for something else more profound; something,  that with our cheating, we’re choosing to give up on. A settlement.  A consolation. A forfeiture

Is it brave to venture outside the relationship if it is in  lieu of something we truly want – that’s actually the cause of the void?  Granted, there are things that have no recourse. If we lose a child, no amount of bravery or honesty with self is going to fill that void, hopefully there’s enough sex and medication to get us through such devastation.

But, shouldn’t the question be asked? If we’re ready to put our most significant relationship on the line – do something so bold, we might as well do just that – and make sure that having an affair isn’t a diversion to something more fundamental we need –  something we don’t think we can obtain or manage -something that takes even more audacity to confront.

If it’s romance and fucking we’re truly needing, then I say we make damn sure what we go after is good; However, no matter how good it is, if we’re doing it as a cop out, do we not fail ourselves and risk harming others for not?



Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.
Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?
Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity
Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity
Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.
Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?
Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship
Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?
Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity
Cheating 10: Looking for a bit of fun before spilling the beans
Cheating XI: How Not to Sleep With Married People