Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity

1z-gazebo-hottub-870x555

There we were in Jenny’s backyard gazebo Jacuzzi. Her husband had been in France for over a month – supposedly he was visiting family. A few days before he left they had another big fight and he gave her a black eye. The black eye had almost gone away and I was at jenny’s house getting instructions. She was leaving for Europe to join her husband the next morning, and asked me dog and house sit for a month or so. It helped me too. I needed a place to stay while I looked for a new, more permanent cribtuation.

We were enjoying Jenny’s Jacuzzi one last time before she showed me how to drain it. Our shoulders were touching, my hand was resting on her leg and she had an elbow resting on mine –  she gave my knee a friendly squeeze. I wasn’t going to go any further without her making  a move. Soon her hand found my crotch and I responded – started kissing her. Before we were done with it all – she told me that she hadn’t had sex in a year – with her obese and abusive, albeit rich husband. Jenny was beautiful and had a promising modeling career before a near fatal car accident (courtesy of her previous boyfriend) put her in a coma for weeks and changed the course of her life. Her husband had let himself go – weighed around 300lbs – which isn’t a good weight for a short man who’s an asshole.


Intro
I’ve been planning on posting some arguments in support of infidelity to keep the discussion balanced. Due to feedback from a few readers – that the series has been too harsh or negative about infidelity and those involved in it, I’ve decided that now is the time to begin some cheating-positive posting.

I will keep the confidence of those who shared their thoughts in private – you know who you are and I immensely appreciate your input. I was relieved to hear the feedback – I’ve actually been concerned that this series has not been severe enough – that I’ve been normalizing cheating too much. I’ll probably get readers shaming me for “my glorification” of  cheating after this post, and I’ll be happy to listen to those concerns too.

There are times when infidelity is understandable – where cheating is justified. There are some who’d argue that sleeping with whomever you wish, whenever you want, is always justified. As we’ve discussed throughout the series, more times than not the answer is grey and fuzzy – cheating is often not clearly wrong and not exactly right; however, some cases seem much more understandable than others. Opportunity and special circumstances are among a handful of features that change the equation. And, more abstractly, unique predispositions for monogamy should not be discounted.

Opportunity
Suppose you were Brad Pitt or Emilia Clarke who plays Daenerys Targaryen in the Game of Thrones.

brad-pitttargaryen

These two have got hella opportunity; in fact, we could argue that they can practically, and literally, sleep with anyone they wish. Also, because of their profession, they have frequent contact with other extremely attractive people – often while away from home – outside their home countries even.

If I was working with Daenerys Targaryen in some far away country, and one evening after the day’s shooting she came to my trailer and said, “Duncan, do you want to grab a drink and then have really nasty sex in my presidential suite at the Ritz Carlton?” I don’t care how perfect of marriage I had with Jennifer Lopez, I’d sign up for miss Targaryen’s offer and worry about the consequences and moral issues later.

Isn’t there at least one person in the world that you’d betray  your marriage for – especially if the opportunity fell in your lap? I suspect that those who answer no, are probably not having much sex with their partner – probably not interested in sex with anybody.

Few of us have the beauty, job, fame and wealth of those mentioned, but if we have such blessings to a larger degree than the norm – or by some other factor have more than the usual access to highly desirable people, should some extra understanding be afforded – judgement suspended?

Special Circumstances
I opened this post with a story about a friend who cheated on her husband. There were several factors that in combination gave Jenny what I think should be a “special circumstances” exception. Jenny’s husband was physically and emotionally abusive, obese, gone half the time and hadn’t fucked her in over a year. But, Jenny had a young daughter, social standing and financial security. It may be easy for some to blame her for not getting a divorce instead of cheating – they should try going from wealthy to poor, moving into a tiny apartment, disrupting a child’s life and losing half their circle of friends. In certain circumstances, infidelity is practically essential and not so immoral.

Predisposition
Some do not find satisfaction in monogamy. Some argue that most of us have a predisposition for polyamory. When did we begin having monogamous relationships? Was it due to religion, or did we evolve towards monogamy for some  reason more intrinsic or instinctual? If monogamy is a social construct, did some of us evolve into it or have we all been socialized against our instincts?

Only 5% of the 4,000 or so mammal species stick with just one mate. The leading theory is “that males began balancing the need to spread their gene pool against the need to protect their young from being killed by other non-related males.” [Time magazine: What Drove Man to Monogamy: It Wasn’t Love]

If such evolution-logic ever applied, it doesn’t seem relevant today. In more modern times, there may have been other advantages to monogamy – perhaps it has increased the probability that our children succeeded and became able to find a healthy mate, procreate; these days, at least in western culture, even the educated, successful and monogamous couples are reproducing in much smaller numbers than those who are not restricting themselves to a traditional nuclear family arrangement. Perhaps monogamy has put certain types of people on a path to extinction?

If we’re not ready to condemn monogamy as completely antithetical to survival, should society at least be more accommodating of polyamorous inclinations or lifestyle choices? In western culture, we’ve reached an age that celebrates individual choices and defends minority dispositions. We accept – even fight to protect, alternative sexual preferences: gay, bisexual, and others. We even appreciate a person’s gender inclinations, and frown upon those who’d deny a person the gender identity they feel most comfortable with. But a nice young bride who’s natural inclination is to get fucked by a good variety of men  enjoys no such institutional support or defense. Even if she’s outstanding and traditional in every other way,  we’ve got issues with polyamory. Even if both partners are on bored with a poly-amorous marriage, it’s not even close to being something they can be open about and expect  social acceptance on par with LGBT sympathies.

Because of societies harsh attitude towards polyamory, it isn’t surprising that many who are compelled, or even predisposed to have sex outside their marriage, choose to keep it secret. When we hear of someone cheating, we jump to negative assumptions: there must be something terribly wrong with their marriage – or something fundamentally wrong with them or their spouse. How many of us cheat even though our marriage is fine and our spouse is as good as they come, because, we just aren’t satisfied with monogamy?

If, as a society, we’re not going to support and condone polyamorous behavior, to what degree should we at least suspend our judgement of those who cheat out of fundamental need for variety?  With all of today’s social progress,  there’s an undo lack of support for those who only cheat because they can’t follow their preference openly, without being ostracized. How many of us would opt out of monogamy if there was no cultural shame in doing so, and, no risk of losing other, perhaps more traditional, aspects of our lives?

For a more informed and in-depth perspective on polyamory, I highly recommend reading  A.C. Anderson’s essay and blog here Essay: Monogamy Unnatural?


Cheating Series:

Cheating 9: The Other Side of The Sex Coin, in Defense of Those Who Partake

Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Save

Save

Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

A lot has been written about how men cheat for the sex and affairs for women tend to be more emotional. As often, people talk about how cheating is a replacement for something that a person is not getting from their marriage or spouse. How often is it more, and less than that? Do we ever cheat as a settlement for something unrelated to our marriage or significant other, something greater we wanted?

How great can the greatest sex be? The greatest I can imagine, is only a matter of moments, an hour, a day, a memory. What is that compared to the most significant aspects of a life? Life long friendships, parents, children, success, fame, meaning, a purpose, adoration, safety, hope, admiration, or reconciliation, and other things, may be bigger, last longer – and in whatever way, be more significant to our lifetimes, than a fuck or affair.

This is not to say that sexual desire and emotional care are not significant needs. If a good fuck or some romance is truly all that’s needed, and some kind of affair can answer a painful deficiency of such things- cure long term anxiety, then great – we’ve likely found our solution. If we’re going to go that far and take such risks – throw down and lay down the chips, let’s be raw freaking honest about why were doing it, and make sure that infidelity is merely a supplement to what we’re missing in our relationship, and not a substitute for something else more profound; something,  that with our cheating, we’re choosing to give up on. A settlement.  A consolation. A forfeiture

Is it brave to venture outside the relationship if it is in  lieu of something we truly want – that’s actually the cause of the void?  Granted, there are things that have no recourse. If we lose a child, no amount of bravery or honesty with self is going to fill that void, hopefully there’s enough sex and medication to get us through such devastation.

But, shouldn’t the question be asked? If we’re ready to put our most significant relationship on the line – do something so bold, we might as well do just that – and make sure that having an affair isn’t a diversion to something more fundamental we need –  something we don’t think we can obtain or manage -something that takes even more audacity to confront.

If it’s romance and fucking we’re truly needing, then I say we make damn sure what we go after is good; However, no matter how good it is, if we’re doing it as a cop out, do we not fail ourselves and risk harming others for not?



Cheating Series:

Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Can we cheat on someone we’re no longer with, or Before we met them? Perhaps you thought you’d be off the hook after it’s over? Not so fast

For those of you just joining in, I’ll reiterate that I am not trying to promote cheating. In fact, I think it is wrong; however, I’ve done it – and many others seem to do it, so i figure it’s a relevant, if not interesting aspect of relationships to discuss and try to gain a better understanding of. If it isn’t blatantly obvious, I have no marriage counseling credentials. I share data from the field which hopefully you’ll find amusing –  bonus if applicable.

I was thinking back on something that happened a number of years ago after one of my more serious relationships had ended. About four months after we broke up, I had a spontaneous one time hookup with a friend of the person I’d broken up with. Not one of her closest friends – but a good one.

Is it possible to cheat on someone you’re no longer with? Before you dismiss the possibility, let me tell you what happened.

When the hookup occurred, my ex had already started dating someone else. I’d hung out with my ex’s friend Liz and her husband many times during the previous three years. I always liked Liz – as a person, and she seemed fond of me. She was a creative, hippie, laid back type – appreciated my art. She was also about eight years older than I, same as my ex.

I ran into Liz mid afternoon at a Patrick Malloy’s on Pier Avenue in Hermosa Beach.

patrick-malloys-outside

I guess I had the day off from my job at the time. I ended up at the beach doing some day drinking. I don’t remember why, but Liz was also doing some solo day drinking – living by the beach, one didn’t need much of a reason to do such things.

I walked into the bar and there was Liz – cool to run into her. We were both already buzzed, and downed several stiff drinks together at the bar. It turned out Liz and her husband were in the middle of a separation. (we were about the only two customers in the bar – sitting right at the bar shown below – half way down.)

patrick-malloyes-inside-bar

Liz was forward with me and I don’t remember showing any resistance. After about an hour and a half, we walked to my place a couple blocks away and had inclusive sex. And, when I say inclusive, I’m not talking about inviting minorities to join us! We covered a range of sexual activities, let’s put it that way.

So, did I cheat on my ex, or was it fair play given that my ex had started dating someone else?  Would it have been better if it happened a year or two later and not so soon after our break up? Perhaps a quick, standard bang would have not been as bad? Does it matter that the friend was more the instigator? (75/25 her to me probably)  Does it make it any less awful of me, that I passed on a second round when Liz called me a few weeks later?


On the other end of the temporal spectrum, there are some who consider it cheating to sleep with someone before one meets their spouse..

First, I was taught that if a husband and wife had sex with other people before marrying, they had, in effect, already cheated on each other. And if you know your spouse has cheated on you in the past, how can you know that they won’t cheat on you in the future?

Second, I was taught that if you and your spouse had had sex with each other before you got married, you also wouldn’t be able to trust each other. Why? Because you would forever know that your spouse didn’t respect and love you enough to wait until marriage to have sex with you, and also that your spouse wasn’t able to keep from committing sexual sin.

(These quotes found on a discussion you can find here)

Most would probably find such an expectation a bit extreme, but are there no limits? If your spouse had sex with half the people you know, with half your town, or chose to engage in extreme sexual activity prior to meeting you, would that be a betrayal of sorts? Should they have put forth some amount of restraint, in respect for their future spouse – knowing they’d probably get married some day?

What are your thoughts? As always, I’d love to hear about your experiences and your thoughts on the subject.


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Save

Save

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Where can we be Naughty without cheating?

Another year has passed, and this year feels like the same routine. Are you wondering if you might end up the first on record to suffer death by boredom? maybe you’re locked in forever and trying to make the most of it.

Here you are,  reading blogs, and looking for something to quiet the restlessness – break up the long slow walk of married life ?  The quiet may be creams, if sex with your spouse is  suffering. The erotica you’ve been reading has helped – yes it’s gas on your fire and making and  it worse, and it’s looking like it is what it is, there’s nowhere you can go to meet this kind of need, you’ll have to grin and bare it

If you were a different kind of man or woman, in another world with no consequences, you’d just have an affair, or get a divorce. But you can’t do that – you don’t want too. You love your family and your spouse – you don’t want to hurt hurt anyone, nor have a crisis  on your hands..

Don’t give up just yet. There are perfectly acceptable ways to experience a little naughty interaction -let’s look for a way you can beat the system.

You’re situation might be less drastic. The reality of life – no matter how committed and wonderful our spouse, zero variety over years or decades feels like going to church on a hangover. Just bored? or, your spouse an utter bore? If any of this is you, and cheating isn’t an option, follow the light, keep reading.


The Sinner Saint Diary research department has dug deep to help good people, who wish to stay good to their spouse, yet satisfy needs that by definition, our spouse can’t satisfy.. (And by research team diving deep, I mean just me, over years, seeing ways people beat the system.)

If we apply the definition outlined in Part IV,, a person has cheated if their actions include all of the four components of cheating: a relationship, a person outside relationship, sexual stimulation and betrayal.  Absence of one or more of these components, behavior may still be wrong, but it isn’t cheating.

There aren’t many options, and they may not be as satisfying as cheating, yet may offer some relief from the mundane.

The trick is to find situations that inherently short circuit the rules: we want situations that are missing a key ingredient, but have most of the good ingredients. Here are the loopholes – activities that have have built-in features that disqualify them as cheating.

Imagination:

Loophole: because there is no way to confirm the activity of a person’s mind, with most relationships, couples do not try to establish thought rules.

The easiest, least restricted and most obvious way to escape the boundaries and circumvent the rules you’re bound by, is use your imagination, to envision whatever behavior and situations you find most stimulating.

And, you can borrow from the imagination and experiences of others – erotica literature is about the naughtiest way to be  completely innocent. I invite you to read Dare, the first Volume of The Sinner Saint Diary and enjoy the taste of the real thing without the calories.

Solo Fetishes

Loophole: There’s no other person involved – at least, as far as they know their not.

If you have a particular fetish for something that doesn’t involve another person, directly, The solo fetish loophole can be very rewarding. A variation of this loophole, allows for another person to be involved, but requires your fetish to be for something that is most would not find the least bit arousing. (getting your hair brushed causes you to have an orgasm).

Exhibitionism

If you are one of those who gets aroused by looking at others, or exposing yourself, there is a smorgasbord of opportunity to be naughty without being a bad partner. A lot of spouses won’t mind or won’t know when you let yourself be seen. (Disclaimer: Obviously, your spouse doesn’t want you going around town exposing yourself to random people. The rest of us non-creepy members of society don’t either… get help.)

If you do not get turned on when people see you exposed – you may be wondering why I’ve included this loophole – why it’s a loophole at all?

Sometimes, being seen is the only opportunity someone has to feel sexy or be a bit naughty. It’s better than nothing – even if something short of orgasmic; for some, nearly orgasmic. As with the following, you don’t have to break any laws or be hedonistic to get some needs met.

Maryann’s husband was a local politician. He wasn’t a bad husband – but was a bit square and didn’t like to party – cared about appearances. The two were married young, and Maryann had little to no experience before that. She’s about the horniest person I’ve  known and probably the least likely to cheat. I think she grew up catholic or fundamentalist – some kind of religiousness that plagued her with guilt for life – she’d never servive the guilt of an affair. The girl I was dating, living with actually, was one of Maryann’s friends. Their group of friends liked to go out drinking – and have parties. Maryann usually joined in, her husband hardly ever joined her.

Maryann allowed herself one congruence, one micro-misbehavior. She liked to expose herself – expose herself to us guys in the group – whenever she could – without being obnoxious about it. Her husband was never around when she did – he’d have no reason to worry about it, and there wasn’t much harm in it – she’d be around friends – not in view of husband’s voting public. After a few drinks, the exhibitionist would come out; it’s hard to describe how, but she’d usually find a reason or moment, to show her new underwear, or that she’s wearing none, and sometimes when only I could see, she’d lift her shirt up and say “flash attack.” Her boobs were small enough that in most outfits she could get away with not wearing a bra – she rarely did. I never asked about  what compelled this behavior – it must have been very satisfying for her – to be be so compulsive. Perhaps it was just passive aggression, about her husband never being around.

The Sinner Saint Diary Volume V, to be published later this year, Is about a cube mate i worked with for a year, who exposed herself almost daily, and did other things, all sanctioned under the umbrella of being a “total flirt.” I call what she would do, “chicken flirting.” However she defined it, she’d basically see how far she could go without officially doing anything wrong. In the process, she’d tease and frustrate the hell out of most the guys in the office. She didn’t know what she was in for when she took up the chick flirt with me – but that’s all in the the story. What’s relevant to this discussion, is that her loophole was that her husband new and accepted she was a flirt – and, whatever he knew of it, her flirting included just about everything that didn’t involve contact. It amused her greatly to expose herself and get me going, and she saw her share of me as well. This was her thing – her loophole, and it seemed to be working well for her, until it didn’t.

You can be seen without being obvious. My neighbor sees me- from her home office over her garage. Her window by her desk looks into my back and gives her an unobstructed view, through a wall of sliding glass doors, right into my living room and dining area.. Turns me on like crazy, this game we’ve been playing.

Solo fetish variation: massage  

Not the happy ending kind. Well, yes the happy ending kind, but not the kind with inappropriate touching (unless you want it to be cheating).

I’ve seen different estimates, but supposedly between five and ten percent of those getting a massage will have an orgasm of some kind without any inappropriate contact. If this happens to you, congratulations, you’ve got a loophole-optimum predisposition, where having an orgasm while being touched by others, is no more than a phone call and a “Benjamin” away – any day. The orgasms happen naturally – unless you agreed to never get a massage, you’ve not betrayed your spouse, did not have sexual interaction with another, and.. basically beating the hell out of the  system.

(p.s. You’re not off the hook if they jack you off or rub your clit. However, for those willing to cross this line, for tomorrow’s post, Part sex,  I cover everything you didn’t know yoiu wanted to know about how to have a happy time getting massages at reputable places. Yes, there are women getting happy endings, I know three of them. And men – it is possible to have a normal massage result in a happy ending, read the next part of this series for the secrets on how that happens.)

Bi-Trysperiences

Loophole: You’re heterosexual, so your spouse doesn’t get bothered by the thought of you having contact with other girls.

Perhaps you and your spouse have never even covered the ground rules pertaining to same-sex interaction. If it turns you on to be touched by a person of the same gender – a minor bi-experience might pass through a  loophole – on a technicality or two. Because your mainly not bisexual, Your spouse might not have expectations one way or another, about what you might do with someone of your own gender. Sex with a girl friend? Probably not, but hitting a strip club on girls’ night out, getting lap dances from a stripper who’s hand disappears up your skirt a few times? Seen it happen.

Suspend the rules:

Include your Partner:

If your significant other cheats at the same time, it cancels out your cheating.

Play a naughty game with friends or go out with your partner and do something monogamish. Depending on what you do, it an be a little risky to push the boundaries, but at least of you get your partner on board, you won’t’ be cheating.

In Dare, Volume I of The sinner Saint Dairy, I tell write about a real life Truth-or=Dare game that a few friends and I ended up playing one night. In our game , there were six non-single people included: one couple married, another engaged and the other two were dating. Three of us were single. That story of that night is a perfect example of mutual nullification. Each  of us did things that would have been unacceptable – without the others also misbehaving. Even that didn’t cover some of us who drifted beyond (okay lost sight of) “justifiable” territory.

Ask for a temporary separation

This might be harmful to your relationship, but it removes the betrayal aspect. If you know you’re going to sleep around – and that your spouse is likely to find out, you’ll have less on your conscience and a better chance at saving your marriage if you ask for a temporary separation.

(p.s. If your spouse asks for a separation, most likely they’re going to get busy right away and they probably already know who with.)

If you are the one who asked for the separation, do yourself a favor and don’t let your group of friends in on your extra-marital activities. This doesn’t make your spouse look bad, it makes you look bad. And, if you do get back together, both you and your spouse will have less respect. If your spouse asked for the separation, not only should you be sure you have sex others, you might want to have your circle of friends aware of it. You’ll not be blamed because your spouse is the one who asked for it, you’ll look less pathetic, and hopefully your spouse will here about it and know what’s good for the goose is goose it’s good for the gander. You can be sure they are messing around – only point in asking for a separation, and you’re they’re more likely to come back if they see that you’re doing your thing – you’ll seem less pathetic.

Misbehave Zones

Loophole: cultural and community rules supersede couple rules.

Culturally, western societies allow artists to bend the rules, and excuse otherwise unacceptable activity when integral to artistic expression. Cultural norms are so powerful, that they confer exceptions to rules of romantic commitment. You don’t have to be a professional artist for these rules to apply.

This is the only type of activity where it is possible to get away with all the aspects of cheating, without doing anything wrong or suffer any consequences. I have taken full advantage of culturally safe zones, not to be confused with the safe zones created for fragile college students who should still be on a bottle, not attending college.

By cultural safe zones, I’m referring to special circumstances where cultural expectations not only tolerate activity outside the bounds of marriage, but protect it. Not by law, but community expectation.

The Arts are where most safe zones can be found.

Theatre

The theatre is the most accommodating. I majored in theatre and can unequivocally testify that theatrical endeavor is rich with opportunities to do bad things and get away with it: theatre often entails close interaction with the most uninhibited… being uninhibited is practically a tenant of the art – so expected that it’s nearly seen as a requirement.

You don’t have to go back to college for a theatre degree to get involved and gain enough artistic cover to be a little naughty. If getting a degree in theatre isn’t an option, the best way to get involved is to sign up for acting courses; or, you could take costuming or set design courses and then volunteer at a local theater. If you’re around theatre, you’ll see uninhibited behavior, but if you’re wanting contact with others, acting is by far the way to go.

Any scene you must prepare for an acting class, or any play you act a part in – if it is written for you to do – you’re excused to do it. You’re not you during the hundred times you practice that scene: you’re the character. Passionate kissing, nudity, groping, touching – anything that character does – is totally accepted and nobody holds you responsible as if they were your actions, or things you chose to do. This is very necessary to the art, but pretty crazy as well. Acting is very unique – the culturally safest zone where anyone can go to escape their marital boundaries without breaking any boundaries.

(I remember several older, married students from acting courses: Stacy was the most memorable – a married, devout catholic woman who was in two of my acting courses. She was around thirty and had been married for a few years. I’d seen her husband – probably with her at a play or something. Anyway, this woman Stacy was attractive – not stunning – but clearly out of her husband’s league. I don’t know the details of her marriage or why she’d married her husband, but I could tell she was starving for affection… no way would she ever cheat. What she did do, is ask me to be her scene partner for our final, and chose a scene which included a lot of contact working up to passionate kissing. I don’t know how many times we practiced the scene – several times at my apartment, half a dozen times in a studio on campus… not once at her home around her husband.)

Art

If seeing some nudity is enough to give you a thrill, a life drawing or painting course is an easy way to make that happen, you’re guaranteed to see people naked – but it’s a crap shoot how hot they’ll be. If you seriously pursue art, it becomes a pretty good excuse to see people with their clothes off – depending on how sensitive your spouse is – I doubt they’d  raise issue with you having to draw someone nude for class.


And now, your turn:

I would love to hear about other loopholes you’ve found – perhaps you’ve found a unique way to keep things interesting? And, whether or not we actually do any of this stuff,  it’s fun to just think and scheme about it, isn’t it?

Now that we’ve looked at some loophole – how to get a bit naughty without cheating, the next part in the series will discuss options for those willing to cross the line. If you’re going to cheat,  tomorrow you can read Part VI on how to to cheat and mitigate the risk.


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

 


If you enjoy reading sexually arousing stories that are also thought provoking, you’ll love reading Dare, the first publication of the Sinner Saint Diary series. Click here for book info previews on Amazon.


Here’s more about the authorMore about the DiaryA girl Coming

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

The reader comments throughout this series have been enlightening: together we have identified the following factors and components.


Cheating, Sexual Infidelity

Four Main Components:

  1. Two or more people in a relationship:
    Marriage, boyfriend/girlfriend, engaged couples, domestic partners, etc.
  2. One or more persons outside the relationship:
    This person can be involved in a physical way, or through media.
  3. Sexual stimulation:
    Behavior that sexually is stimulating for cheater or participant.
  4. Betrayal:
    • Knowingly breaking an assumed or agreed upon rule, without the consent of the other party.
    • Doing something that you know your partner believes you are not doing
    • Doing something that you know your partner has an expectation you’re not doing

Some of the properties we’ve discussed:

Context:
Imagination
Remote/Web/Phone
In Person

The Other Person:
Imaginary
Stranger, Co-Worker, Acquaintance, Professional
Friend, Ex
Double Cheats – Spouse’s Friends/Family, Friend’s Spouse

Activity:
Texting
Exposure Pics, Exposure in Person
Masturbation cam, Masturbation in Person
Non-Romantic Touching
Sexual contact: Non invasive, Intercourse

Result:
Amusement, Ego Boost, Revenge
Sexual Arousal for Cheater and Accomplice
Sexual Release/Orgasm for Cheater and Accomplice
Financial Gain for Cheater and Accomplice

Duration:
One Occurrence: Minutes. Hours, All Day or Night
Term: Days, Weeks, Months, Years
Frequency: Daily, Weekly, Bi-weekly, Monthly


Hopefully this outline will help focus the discussion, and give us some terms and definition for reference. Now that we have a sketch of what cheating looks likes, Part V identifies loopholes – suggests some ways to beat the system – to be naughty without cheating.


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

This is Part Two of a multi-part look at infidelity. Part One of this series asked some questions about the morality of cheating, and whether it is relative to the attitudes of the participants. Click here to read Part One.

Here in Part Two, we’ll look at a few real life situations that are what you might call “fuzzy infidelity.” How do we define the line between flirtation and interaction that qualifies as cheating, or, as wrong? Is it okay, or healthy, to cross the line a bit? How far? Where do you draw your line and have you crossed it? Please share your thoughts and stories in comments to further the discussion.

Much of the stories we hear about marital infidelity involve clear sexual interaction; with these, while opinions may differ about whether the interaction was right or wrong, there’s little ambiguity about the fact that “cheating” has occurred. But, in real life, we have situations that aren’t necessarily innocent, but do not involve any sexual acts – or, perhaps, no sexual interaction at all. I’d love to here about any such situations you’ve encountered. Here are a couple anecdotes from my own life: would they qualify as flirtation, or cheating? Were they harmless and healthy, or deceptive and wrong?

One of these “fuzzy” type situations happened with a friend’s fiancee, Lisa. The incident happened one night as a result of a spontaneous Truth or Dare game that started up between a group of close friends at a Fourth of July party. You can read the entire story of that night in my recently published book “Dare.” ~ Available now on Amazon

The incident with Lisa didn’t involve any sexual activity, and we were actually miles apart when the “questionable” part occurred. Before leaving the party with her fiancee, for her last turn in the Truth or Dare game, Lisa had dared me to go in the bathroom and take a nude mirror-shot selfie and text the pic to her and the other people playing. The dare stipulated that I be erect when I took the pic. As I walked off to do the dare Lisa mentioned something about, “It has to be a good, clear photo, bonus for sending a couple…”

I sent each person the photo individually. Then I sent two more to Lisa, close-ups that I had taken while I was still sitting on the toilet “preparing” – one flaccid and one of my hard dick. I lied and texted her that I couldn’t remember if she had said to send her a few. Lisa made no mention of the two extra photos she received – thank God.

If a line was crossed, it was probably about a half hour after she left, when I received a text message from Lisa. The following short conversation occurred:

Lisa: Hey, thanks for the xtra pics. U send those to others or just me?
Me: Just you. Too much?
Lisa: Would I be a horrible person if I kept them?
Me: Probably – lol.
Lisa: I think I will if u don’t mind?
Me: Go for it.
Lisa: I was thinking that perhaps we can keep it between us, the xtra ones you sent?
Me: Okay.
Lisa: And Duncan…
Me: Yes?
Lisa: I like them.
Me: I’m glad. You’re welcome to use them for masturbating… Lol, totally kidding.
Lisa: So I can’t?
Me: You would?
Lisa: I might.
Me: =0

And that was it. Flirtation? Infidelity? Horribly wrong behavior? What do you think?

For those that think this was wrong of Lisa or me, would you consider it “cheating,” or wrong for other reasons? Was I the first to do wrong by sending those extra pics? Was it the secretiveness when she asked me to keep it between us? Or, perhaps it became wrong when she continued even after I answered her that she would “probably” be a horrible person if she kept them? Or, did it cross the line when it turned sexual with her saying she might use the photos?

How about pure mental infidelity, is that a thing? If she masturbates looking at the pics or thinking of me – her soon-to-be-husband’s friend – is that cheating? How about if I get off on the thought of her keeping and looking at the pics of me, am I betraying my friendship?

Would the context of the incident, where lots of shocking behavior from all of us had already occurred that night, excuse our behavior to some extent?

Right or wrong, I haven’t experienced any negative repercussions do to the incident and as far as I know there’ve been none between Lisa and Sean – who were married two weeks after this happened. I’m dying to know what became of the photos, but haven’t dared ask. I still remember seeing Lisa’s amazing tits that night – no photo necessary. She actually has seen my genitals in person since, but that’s a whole ‘nother story – takes place in Volume II of the Sinner Saint Diary series actually.

Is it ever cheating if one merely exposes their body without their spouse’s knowledge? Or, does the exposure have to accompany some kind of sexual interaction – even if it’s on video or over the phone? I’ve seen someone expose themselves numerous times without their husbands around. A few years ago two co-workers stopped by my house, one married and the other separated. After a drink or two,  we got talking about boob jobs. The separated co-worker volunteered into evidence her own boob job, and then my boss – the happily married one of the group, took her shirt and bra off, and sat topless for a spell, so we could asses whether or not she needed a boob job. Unless a woman was planning a  career as a Dolly Parton impersonator, it would be ridiculous to change such perfect breasts: did she just want to show her tits?

The most extreme exposure story, which is told in the “Campfire Talk” SSD story to be published, was when a friend took off all her clothes in front of a group of us camping, after her boyfriend got upset about her wanting to go skinny dipping with the rest of us. We ended up going swimming without her, while she fought with her boyfriend. By the time we returned, her boyfriend had left the campsite and driven home – back to Los Angeles which was about a hundred miles away. As as twenty of us warmed up around the fire,  our friend made sure there was nothing of her we didn’t see.

Here’s a link to next the next post in series:


If you enjoy true accounts like this – of scandal, infidelity and testing of boundaries, I think you’ll love experiencing the scandalous saga among friends that takes place in the recent inaugural SSD publication, “Dare” available now on Amazon – click here for free preview.


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship


And now about you:

Responses will be shared anonymous

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

The questions I began this post with quickly gave rise to more questions – too many to tackle at once in a single post. I’ve decided to break it down a bit at a time. This is the first of a half-dozen or so short posts I’ll be writing on the subject.

If there are any reliable statistics on infidelity, this discussion is not based on them. I have read about affairs online – personal accounts of affairs and various articles where therapists and counselors discuss the issue. Other than that, everything I know about infidelity comes from being the “other man” or from friends who have talked to me about their infidelity.

Some of you have experienced infidelity from different angles than I have – perhaps you’ve been married and cheated, or been cheated on, or maybe you’ve thought about it but chose to remain faithful? So, in sharing a few thoughts and experience about infidelity, I’m as much asking some questions and inviting you to share your thoughts and help fill in the discussion with your unique perspectives.

Are people more comfortable with cheating on their spouse than they used to be? If so, is this a good change or bad? Are women more comfortable with cheating than they used to be, or does it just seem so because of some change in my attitude? Are there any universal changes in attitude happening? If so, what impact might that have on society or the nature of the relationships and marriages that we have?

Let’s break it down a bit, one question at a time.

Is cheating less immoral, or immoral at all, if one or both participants don’t view cheating as wrong?

I think participating in marital infidelity is wrong, yet I have have had intimate contact with a number of married women. So, essentially, I have participated in activity that I knew was wrong: I knew things were happening without the knowledge or consent of the husbands, but I participated anyway. Is that not worse, morally, than if I had done so believing that there was nothing wrong with such behavior? Whatever the morality of it, I definitely feel guilt when I’m with a married woman. I’m sure I’d not feel as much guilt if I felt there was nothing wrong with it. And then there is her attitude. In a few cases, a married woman has had no reservations about what she was doing – as far as I could tell she didn’t feel an ounce of guilt about cheating on her husband, at least at the time the shenanigans were happening. Should I have had less to feel guilty about if she thought there was nothing to feel guilty about? Was it less wrong of me to participate? Moral or not, the complexity of questions and issue that surround infidelity make it fascinating – more stimulating even, some might argue. Okay, I don’t know about others, but it’s a turn on for me.

Let’s look at a real world example to see if the answers become more clear. In the not-so-distant past (and by that I mean about three weeks ago) I met some high school teachers at a cool lounge bar not far from my house. There were three of them having a sort of a girls night out. All three were married, and were drinking enough to be Ubering. I was sitting next to them at the bar and was there by myself – an easy target for group amusement (see teasing and flirtatious harassment.). In short, they ended up coming to my house to make a fire – I have a large stone fireplace outside. One of the teachers stayed at my houses after the other two left. Amie was not terribly conflicted about the decision to stay over and mess around with me. I watched her text her husband and tell him she was crashing at her friend’s house. I didn’t pry too deeply into her emotions, but enough to learn that it was her first time cheating. She was the quietest of the three, and while I wouldn’t describe her as aggressive, she was pretty much leading our way into sin, shall we say. If she had been crying or hyperventilating, and all wrapped up with inner conflict about what she was doing, would it have been more reprehensible for me to participate? Would It have been more moral if we just had sex one time and limited it to one position? How about if she enjoyed herself less, would it have not been as bad?

Now, compare that situation with what happened with Jenny, another one of the three friends from that night. Jenny was the best looking of the three and had been the most flirtatious, but had made it clear even before we left the bar that first night, that there’d be no action coming from her direction, ever. Well a couple weeks later some girls in the group went out again. The one I had hooked up with, Amie, joined them for a while and then had to be home for some family function. The other two stayed stayed out later, along with another friend who hadn’t been with them the night of the fire. So, long story short, Jenny, who teaches English, agreed to read Dare – the story I am about to publish. Unlike Amie, Jen was certain that she’d not be unfaithful, and even made me swear never to tell Amie or any of her friends about what happened. So, this brings up more questions.

Was it worse what happened with Jenny – because she felt it was something she shouldn’t do? Does it change anything that once she got to doing what she did, she was much worse (read naughtier) than Amie? It was more exciting for me – was this because it was more forbidden, or more of a challenge, or was it just because of her huge breasts? And, is it just me, or is it more often those who are most reluctant that are the least prudent once they get to it? Could it be that those who think what they are doing is wrong, try harder to make the guilt worth their while? Or, were they more reluctant in the first place, because they know how far they’ll go if they go at all?


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship