That’s right drool

That’s right That’s right
I think you’re drooling
Remembering how you lied?
Said I made a move on you?

I’ve come twice and oozing
Out your sides, over your ass.
You said I’m a stupid man
With family money, probably tiny.

Now you can’t even look pretty,
Dangling taken, rag doll bacon.
Come too much, why frozen limp?
Cock’s makin’ honest bitches.

Advertisements

Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity

1z-gazebo-hottub-870x555

There we were in Jenny’s backyard gazebo Jacuzzi. Her husband had been in France for over a month – supposedly he was visiting family. A few days before he left they had another big fight and he gave her a black eye. The black eye had almost gone away and I was at jenny’s house getting instructions. She was leaving for Europe to join her husband the next morning, and asked me dog and house sit for a month or so. It helped me too. I needed a place to stay while I looked for a new, more permanent cribtuation.

We were enjoying Jenny’s Jacuzzi one last time before she showed me how to drain it. Our shoulders were touching, my hand was resting on her leg and she had an elbow resting on mine –  she gave my knee a friendly squeeze. I wasn’t going to go any further without her making  a move. Soon her hand found my crotch and I responded – started kissing her. Before we were done with it all – she told me that she hadn’t had sex in a year – with her obese and abusive, albeit rich husband. Jenny was beautiful and had a promising modeling career before a near fatal car accident (courtesy of her previous boyfriend) put her in a coma for weeks and changed the course of her life. Her husband had let himself go – weighed around 300lbs – which isn’t a good weight for a short man who’s an asshole.


Intro
I’ve been planning on posting some arguments in support of infidelity to keep the discussion balanced. Due to feedback from a few readers – that the series has been too harsh or negative about infidelity and those involved in it, I’ve decided that now is the time to begin some cheating-positive posting.

I will keep the confidence of those who shared their thoughts in private – you know who you are and I immensely appreciate your input. I was relieved to hear the feedback – I’ve actually been concerned that this series has not been severe enough – that I’ve been normalizing cheating too much. I’ll probably get readers shaming me for “my glorification” of  cheating after this post, and I’ll be happy to listen to those concerns too.

There are times when infidelity is understandable – where cheating is justified. There are some who’d argue that sleeping with whomever you wish, whenever you want, is always justified. As we’ve discussed throughout the series, more times than not the answer is grey and fuzzy – cheating is often not clearly wrong and not exactly right; however, some cases seem much more understandable than others. Opportunity and special circumstances are among a handful of features that change the equation. And, more abstractly, unique predispositions for monogamy should not be discounted.

Opportunity
Suppose you were Brad Pitt or Emilia Clarke who plays Daenerys Targaryen in the Game of Thrones.

brad-pitttargaryen

These two have got hella opportunity; in fact, we could argue that they can practically, and literally, sleep with anyone they wish. Also, because of their profession, they have frequent contact with other extremely attractive people – often while away from home – outside their home countries even.

If I was working with Daenerys Targaryen in some far away country, and one evening after the day’s shooting she came to my trailer and said, “Duncan, do you want to grab a drink and then have really nasty sex in my presidential suite at the Ritz Carlton?” I don’t care how perfect of marriage I had with Jennifer Lopez, I’d sign up for miss Targaryen’s offer and worry about the consequences and moral issues later.

Isn’t there at least one person in the world that you’d betray  your marriage for – especially if the opportunity fell in your lap? I suspect that those who answer no, are probably not having much sex with their partner – probably not interested in sex with anybody.

Few of us have the beauty, job, fame and wealth of those mentioned, but if we have such blessings to a larger degree than the norm – or by some other factor have more than the usual access to highly desirable people, should some extra understanding be afforded – judgement suspended?

Special Circumstances
I opened this post with a story about a friend who cheated on her husband. There were several factors that in combination gave Jenny what I think should be a “special circumstances” exception. Jenny’s husband was physically and emotionally abusive, obese, gone half the time and hadn’t fucked her in over a year. But, Jenny had a young daughter, social standing and financial security. It may be easy for some to blame her for not getting a divorce instead of cheating – they should try going from wealthy to poor, moving into a tiny apartment, disrupting a child’s life and losing half their circle of friends. In certain circumstances, infidelity is practically essential and not so immoral.

Predisposition
Some do not find satisfaction in monogamy. Some argue that most of us have a predisposition for polyamory. When did we begin having monogamous relationships? Was it due to religion, or did we evolve towards monogamy for some  reason more intrinsic or instinctual? If monogamy is a social construct, did some of us evolve into it or have we all been socialized against our instincts?

Only 5% of the 4,000 or so mammal species stick with just one mate. The leading theory is “that males began balancing the need to spread their gene pool against the need to protect their young from being killed by other non-related males.” [Time magazine: What Drove Man to Monogamy: It Wasn’t Love]

If such evolution-logic ever applied, it doesn’t seem relevant today. In more modern times, there may have been other advantages to monogamy – perhaps it has increased the probability that our children succeeded and became able to find a healthy mate, procreate; these days, at least in western culture, even the educated, successful and monogamous couples are reproducing in much smaller numbers than those who are not restricting themselves to a traditional nuclear family arrangement. Perhaps monogamy has put certain types of people on a path to extinction?

If we’re not ready to condemn monogamy as completely antithetical to survival, should society at least be more accommodating of polyamorous inclinations or lifestyle choices? In western culture, we’ve reached an age that celebrates individual choices and defends minority dispositions. We accept – even fight to protect, alternative sexual preferences: gay, bisexual, and others. We even appreciate a person’s gender inclinations, and frown upon those who’d deny a person the gender identity they feel most comfortable with. But a nice young bride who’s natural inclination is to get fucked by a good variety of men  enjoys no such institutional support or defense. Even if she’s outstanding and traditional in every other way,  we’ve got issues with polyamory. Even if both partners are on bored with a poly-amorous marriage, it’s not even close to being something they can be open about and expect  social acceptance on par with LGBT sympathies.

Because of societies harsh attitude towards polyamory, it isn’t surprising that many who are compelled, or even predisposed to have sex outside their marriage, choose to keep it secret. When we hear of someone cheating, we jump to negative assumptions: there must be something terribly wrong with their marriage – or something fundamentally wrong with them or their spouse. How many of us cheat even though our marriage is fine and our spouse is as good as they come, because, we just aren’t satisfied with monogamy?

If, as a society, we’re not going to support and condone polyamorous behavior, to what degree should we at least suspend our judgement of those who cheat out of fundamental need for variety?  With all of today’s social progress,  there’s an undo lack of support for those who only cheat because they can’t follow their preference openly, without being ostracized. How many of us would opt out of monogamy if there was no cultural shame in doing so, and, no risk of losing other, perhaps more traditional, aspects of our lives?

For a more informed and in-depth perspective on polyamory, I highly recommend reading  A.C. Anderson’s essay and blog here Essay: Monogamy Unnatural?


Cheating Series:

Cheating 9: The Other Side of The Sex Coin, in Defense of Those Who Partake

Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Save

Save

Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

A lot has been written about how men cheat for the sex and affairs for women tend to be more emotional. As often, people talk about how cheating is a replacement for something that a person is not getting from their marriage or spouse. How often is it more, and less than that? Do we ever cheat as a settlement for something unrelated to our marriage or significant other, something greater we wanted?

How great can the greatest sex be? The greatest I can imagine, is only a matter of moments, an hour, a day, a memory. What is that compared to the most significant aspects of a life? Life long friendships, parents, children, success, fame, meaning, a purpose, adoration, safety, hope, admiration, or reconciliation, and other things, may be bigger, last longer – and in whatever way, be more significant to our lifetimes, than a fuck or affair.

This is not to say that sexual desire and emotional care are not significant needs. If a good fuck or some romance is truly all that’s needed, and some kind of affair can answer a painful deficiency of such things- cure long term anxiety, then great – we’ve likely found our solution. If we’re going to go that far and take such risks – throw down and lay down the chips, let’s be raw freaking honest about why were doing it, and make sure that infidelity is merely a supplement to what we’re missing in our relationship, and not a substitute for something else more profound; something,  that with our cheating, we’re choosing to give up on. A settlement.  A consolation. A forfeiture

Is it brave to venture outside the relationship if it is in  lieu of something we truly want – that’s actually the cause of the void?  Granted, there are things that have no recourse. If we lose a child, no amount of bravery or honesty with self is going to fill that void, hopefully there’s enough sex and medication to get us through such devastation.

But, shouldn’t the question be asked? If we’re ready to put our most significant relationship on the line – do something so bold, we might as well do just that – and make sure that having an affair isn’t a diversion to something more fundamental we need –  something we don’t think we can obtain or manage -something that takes even more audacity to confront.

If it’s romance and fucking we’re truly needing, then I say we make damn sure what we go after is good; However, no matter how good it is, if we’re doing it as a cop out, do we not fail ourselves and risk harming others for not?



Cheating Series:

Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Loose Page Fell out of Diary – No Date On it – So Placing Here.

Infidelity is like one of those people you meet  – who breaks the molds of anyone you’ve known before – so you’re not quite sure about them at first. They’re either really smart and playing it brilliant, or real dense and not getting it at all – when you first meet them, you can’t tell which. If smart, wouldn’t it mean they’re deceptive as well? How else could someone so smart leave it to anyone’s guess as to whether they’re a dunce or clever – to be pitied or feared. Sometimes you draw when you could have laid down – to avoid the risk when it’s not certain if they’re bluffing. Maybe they don’t even see their own hand, but what if it’s you who’s missing what game they’re playing?

Does the cheater do it only for the power? It’s a dark truth, if we cheat, we grab the power – it’s an entirely unjust acquisition. Now we control what both sides know. Now the truth is ours to administer upon the others,  control them with. We are the gatekeepers of truth about all the stuff we’re doing, and all the stuff our lovers will, or will not be knowing.

And it’s bad, dreadful, drastic – to be on the cheated side, but even worse for the accessory to the cheating., When we’re the other – the cheater’s lie, we indirectly undermine our lover’s spouse – standing by as the cheater lies to a person who doesn’t even know we exist – let alone ever done us any harm. The guilt can weigh heavy and such choices make very little room for sympathy.

When serious people defy what they know is right, it’s a bloodbath inside. Fighting oneself is always a losing battle.The strongest are capable of doing the most damage – especially to themselves if that’s who they end up at odds with.

But it’s a fool’s errand, to own-to-death so much guilt about a situation where you’re just the other, the farthest from center – the least in the know – and cheapest for getting into a situation where you’ve got the least of anyone to gain.

The cheater always wins, unless, and until, they lose someone and get their own heart broken.

 

t4b5f9jzpim

 

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Big thanks goes to Magenta for suggestion this  topic. Magenta has a great blog at https://magentaandme.wordpress.com/ – she’s hot too which is bonus.

The situation is not an uncommon – an unanticipated consequence and dilemma for some who planned to just have a one time fling. If we’re going to stray, most of us probably hope it’s good – good enough to be worth the effort and risk at least. But, how many consider what happens if it’s too good? Or, if sex with your significant other seems too bad, in comparison, after? This is no joke – not a far-fetched hypothetical to stir up a topic -this facacta happens. I’ve seen a handful of people run into problems like this: I watched some friends of mine go through the following. Tragically.

Sherry and Doug were yet another couple who got married too soon. They met the first semester of their freshman year, and have been together since. Soon after they graduated they got married, and after five or so years of marriage, what had seemed like a problem free marriage, began changing. Most of us who knew them – envied how united and strong their relationship was – figured they must be one of those few lucky couples who found their soul mate right away and would live happily ever after.

Well, those who have lived a while, know that what we see of people from the outside can be much different than what’s really happening on their inside – no marriages are perfect. As we live, we learn to find things that appear perfect, particularly suspect. Doug and Sherry did have a good relationship, but it was far from perfect – and both had been suppressing resentments. They didn’t want to be a couple with problems – perhaps thought they could ignore their problems away.

People talk about a “seven year itch” that affects some marriages, where after seven years happiness begins to decline and couples get restless. The original seven year itch was literally an skin itch that  would persist for seven years. The modern connotations comes from a move by Marilyn Monroe call “The seven Year Itch.” (this movie, was also where the famous shot came from – of wind blowing Monroe’s skirt up). Anyway, the film suggested that after seven years, men will begin wanting to stray. The movie premiered forever ago; the west has seen the liberation of women since then – so, now, girls too can come down with such an affliction.

I digress.

If you include the four years Doug and Sherry dated in college, they had been together for nine years when things started to look less rosy, and two after that, utter marital catastrophe.

Things got worse. Doug and Sherry would bicker and argue in front of us friends.  Sherry and my girlfriend were long-time friends, and Sherry would confide in her about Doug’s lack of engagement. She’d complain about how infrequent sex was becoming. They’d gone from a few times a week, to once a week, to every couple weeks – supposedly it had been a few months by the time a bunch of us friends went to Puerto Vallarta. Most of our close group of friends went, accept for Doug.

Doug was intent on some golf trip he had planned with his buddies. He opted-in a day or two before the Mexico trip was proposed. He stubbornly refused to back out and come with us to Mexico. Everybody tried to persuade him, especially Sherry – they were fighting for months about it. So, by the time Sherry had arrived in Puerto Vallarta, she’d gone months without sex, been fighting constantly with her husband, and the only one there without her significant other. Let me remind you, this is Fucking Peurto Vallarta we’re talking about, not Tijuana.

It started right away – the first night. We all started drinking by the pool as soon as we arrived. Three guys joined us early on in the evening -two brothers and their friend who owned the time-share. They were from Los Angeles too,  and staying at the same resort, so made some connection – sort of fused groups.

The third guy, the friend,  was a former college baseball player, and good looking – prototypical stud basically. Sherry, being without her other half, was talking to this guy –  by his side all evening. The two of them went off radar around ten o’clock, and we didn’t see her again until morning. Sherry initially told us they were just having a really intense conversation – but actually, the guy fucked her practically all night long. According to all the girls who heard details, the guy was a veritable superstar in bed. Sex with him was  “a life changing experience,” Sherry told my girlfriend.

We were staying all week – Sherry’s fuck machine for three more days.  Sherry was with him every night, all night, until he left. From all accounts, the two spent a ridiculous amount of the time fucking brains – having life changing orgasms and what not.

Here’s where we get to the point, I hope: I am almost certain Sherry didn’t plan to cheat on her husband.  She was very attracted to the  guy – awestruck almost, but going into it I don’t think she had any intention of wrecking or leaving her marriage. The guy was a hot stud and I’m sure she made the call that fucking him, was worth it, and that’s it. Her husband was thousands of miles away, might never know, and she’d have a little revenge as a bonus.

Whatever her true motives were, Sherry couldn’t leave it in Mexico. She wanted to work on her marriage and put super-stud behind her, but in the end couldn’t resist him. It was unfortunate that he lived in the same city – she couldn’t stop. Doug finally found out (not everything) and gave her an ultimatum – never see the guy again or lose her marriage. Sherry  promised Doug she’d never see the guy again, but Doug GPS’d her car and confronted her at the guys house a couple weeks later. He divorced her and that was the end of Doug and Sherry.

What can we learn from this story? That baseball players can fuck like the god of Viagra? Perhaps that Puerto Vallarta is the best place to find life changing sex? Ass sex even?  Yes, apparently she did that too. Whatever went on, she was “sore” in her lady-parts the rest of the week after he left).

There are many obvious things that might go wrong if we cheat- but how many think about what if the other person is too hot and the sex way too good? Perhaps one of the most unexpected problems is one of the more likely things to go wrong?

What are your thoughts. What would you do if in Sherry’s position? Have you been in a position where someone other than your significant other rocks your world much better than your spouse can? Did it cause problems? Even with swingers, couldn’t there be problems  when another person can take a person way beyond where their spouse is able to?


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Can we cheat on someone we’re no longer with, or Before we met them? Perhaps you thought you’d be off the hook after it’s over? Not so fast

For those of you just joining in, I’ll reiterate that I am not trying to promote cheating. In fact, I think it is wrong; however, I’ve done it – and many others seem to do it, so i figure it’s a relevant, if not interesting aspect of relationships to discuss and try to gain a better understanding of. If it isn’t blatantly obvious, I have no marriage counseling credentials. I share data from the field which hopefully you’ll find amusing –  bonus if applicable.

I was thinking back on something that happened a number of years ago after one of my more serious relationships had ended. About four months after we broke up, I had a spontaneous one time hookup with a friend of the person I’d broken up with. Not one of her closest friends – but a good one.

Is it possible to cheat on someone you’re no longer with? Before you dismiss the possibility, let me tell you what happened.

When the hookup occurred, my ex had already started dating someone else. I’d hung out with my ex’s friend Liz and her husband many times during the previous three years. I always liked Liz – as a person, and she seemed fond of me. She was a creative, hippie, laid back type – appreciated my art. She was also about eight years older than I, same as my ex.

I ran into Liz mid afternoon at a Patrick Malloy’s on Pier Avenue in Hermosa Beach.

patrick-malloys-outside

I guess I had the day off from my job at the time. I ended up at the beach doing some day drinking. I don’t remember why, but Liz was also doing some solo day drinking – living by the beach, one didn’t need much of a reason to do such things.

I walked into the bar and there was Liz – cool to run into her. We were both already buzzed, and downed several stiff drinks together at the bar. It turned out Liz and her husband were in the middle of a separation. (we were about the only two customers in the bar – sitting right at the bar shown below – half way down.)

patrick-malloyes-inside-bar

Liz was forward with me and I don’t remember showing any resistance. After about an hour and a half, we walked to my place a couple blocks away and had inclusive sex. And, when I say inclusive, I’m not talking about inviting minorities to join us! We covered a range of sexual activities, let’s put it that way.

So, did I cheat on my ex, or was it fair play given that my ex had started dating someone else?  Would it have been better if it happened a year or two later and not so soon after our break up? Perhaps a quick, standard bang would have not been as bad? Does it matter that the friend was more the instigator? (75/25 her to me probably)  Does it make it any less awful of me, that I passed on a second round when Liz called me a few weeks later?


On the other end of the temporal spectrum, there are some who consider it cheating to sleep with someone before one meets their spouse..

First, I was taught that if a husband and wife had sex with other people before marrying, they had, in effect, already cheated on each other. And if you know your spouse has cheated on you in the past, how can you know that they won’t cheat on you in the future?

Second, I was taught that if you and your spouse had had sex with each other before you got married, you also wouldn’t be able to trust each other. Why? Because you would forever know that your spouse didn’t respect and love you enough to wait until marriage to have sex with you, and also that your spouse wasn’t able to keep from committing sexual sin.

(These quotes found on a discussion you can find here)

Most would probably find such an expectation a bit extreme, but are there no limits? If your spouse had sex with half the people you know, with half your town, or chose to engage in extreme sexual activity prior to meeting you, would that be a betrayal of sorts? Should they have put forth some amount of restraint, in respect for their future spouse – knowing they’d probably get married some day?

What are your thoughts? As always, I’d love to hear about your experiences and your thoughts on the subject.


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

Save

Save

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Where can we be Naughty without cheating?

Another year has passed, and this year feels like the same routine. Are you wondering if you might end up the first on record to suffer death by boredom? maybe you’re locked in forever and trying to make the most of it.

Here you are,  reading blogs, and looking for something to quiet the restlessness – break up the long slow walk of married life ?  The quiet may be creams, if sex with your spouse is  suffering. The erotica you’ve been reading has helped – yes it’s gas on your fire and making and  it worse, and it’s looking like it is what it is, there’s nowhere you can go to meet this kind of need, you’ll have to grin and bare it

If you were a different kind of man or woman, in another world with no consequences, you’d just have an affair, or get a divorce. But you can’t do that – you don’t want too. You love your family and your spouse – you don’t want to hurt hurt anyone, nor have a crisis  on your hands..

Don’t give up just yet. There are perfectly acceptable ways to experience a little naughty interaction -let’s look for a way you can beat the system.

You’re situation might be less drastic. The reality of life – no matter how committed and wonderful our spouse, zero variety over years or decades feels like going to church on a hangover. Just bored? or, your spouse an utter bore? If any of this is you, and cheating isn’t an option, follow the light, keep reading.


The Sinner Saint Diary research department has dug deep to help good people, who wish to stay good to their spouse, yet satisfy needs that by definition, our spouse can’t satisfy.. (And by research team diving deep, I mean just me, over years, seeing ways people beat the system.)

If we apply the definition outlined in Part IV,, a person has cheated if their actions include all of the four components of cheating: a relationship, a person outside relationship, sexual stimulation and betrayal.  Absence of one or more of these components, behavior may still be wrong, but it isn’t cheating.

There aren’t many options, and they may not be as satisfying as cheating, yet may offer some relief from the mundane.

The trick is to find situations that inherently short circuit the rules: we want situations that are missing a key ingredient, but have most of the good ingredients. Here are the loopholes – activities that have have built-in features that disqualify them as cheating.

Imagination:

Loophole: because there is no way to confirm the activity of a person’s mind, with most relationships, couples do not try to establish thought rules.

The easiest, least restricted and most obvious way to escape the boundaries and circumvent the rules you’re bound by, is use your imagination, to envision whatever behavior and situations you find most stimulating.

And, you can borrow from the imagination and experiences of others – erotica literature is about the naughtiest way to be  completely innocent. I invite you to read Dare, the first Volume of The Sinner Saint Diary and enjoy the taste of the real thing without the calories.

Solo Fetishes

Loophole: There’s no other person involved – at least, as far as they know their not.

If you have a particular fetish for something that doesn’t involve another person, directly, The solo fetish loophole can be very rewarding. A variation of this loophole, allows for another person to be involved, but requires your fetish to be for something that is most would not find the least bit arousing. (getting your hair brushed causes you to have an orgasm).

Exhibitionism

If you are one of those who gets aroused by looking at others, or exposing yourself, there is a smorgasbord of opportunity to be naughty without being a bad partner. A lot of spouses won’t mind or won’t know when you let yourself be seen. (Disclaimer: Obviously, your spouse doesn’t want you going around town exposing yourself to random people. The rest of us non-creepy members of society don’t either… get help.)

If you do not get turned on when people see you exposed – you may be wondering why I’ve included this loophole – why it’s a loophole at all?

Sometimes, being seen is the only opportunity someone has to feel sexy or be a bit naughty. It’s better than nothing – even if something short of orgasmic; for some, nearly orgasmic. As with the following, you don’t have to break any laws or be hedonistic to get some needs met.

Maryann’s husband was a local politician. He wasn’t a bad husband – but was a bit square and didn’t like to party – cared about appearances. The two were married young, and Maryann had little to no experience before that. She’s about the horniest person I’ve  known and probably the least likely to cheat. I think she grew up catholic or fundamentalist – some kind of religiousness that plagued her with guilt for life – she’d never servive the guilt of an affair. The girl I was dating, living with actually, was one of Maryann’s friends. Their group of friends liked to go out drinking – and have parties. Maryann usually joined in, her husband hardly ever joined her.

Maryann allowed herself one congruence, one micro-misbehavior. She liked to expose herself – expose herself to us guys in the group – whenever she could – without being obnoxious about it. Her husband was never around when she did – he’d have no reason to worry about it, and there wasn’t much harm in it – she’d be around friends – not in view of husband’s voting public. After a few drinks, the exhibitionist would come out; it’s hard to describe how, but she’d usually find a reason or moment, to show her new underwear, or that she’s wearing none, and sometimes when only I could see, she’d lift her shirt up and say “flash attack.” Her boobs were small enough that in most outfits she could get away with not wearing a bra – she rarely did. I never asked about  what compelled this behavior – it must have been very satisfying for her – to be be so compulsive. Perhaps it was just passive aggression, about her husband never being around.

The Sinner Saint Diary Volume V, to be published later this year, Is about a cube mate i worked with for a year, who exposed herself almost daily, and did other things, all sanctioned under the umbrella of being a “total flirt.” I call what she would do, “chicken flirting.” However she defined it, she’d basically see how far she could go without officially doing anything wrong. In the process, she’d tease and frustrate the hell out of most the guys in the office. She didn’t know what she was in for when she took up the chick flirt with me – but that’s all in the the story. What’s relevant to this discussion, is that her loophole was that her husband new and accepted she was a flirt – and, whatever he knew of it, her flirting included just about everything that didn’t involve contact. It amused her greatly to expose herself and get me going, and she saw her share of me as well. This was her thing – her loophole, and it seemed to be working well for her, until it didn’t.

You can be seen without being obvious. My neighbor sees me- from her home office over her garage. Her window by her desk looks into my back and gives her an unobstructed view, through a wall of sliding glass doors, right into my living room and dining area.. Turns me on like crazy, this game we’ve been playing.

Solo fetish variation: massage  

Not the happy ending kind. Well, yes the happy ending kind, but not the kind with inappropriate touching (unless you want it to be cheating).

I’ve seen different estimates, but supposedly between five and ten percent of those getting a massage will have an orgasm of some kind without any inappropriate contact. If this happens to you, congratulations, you’ve got a loophole-optimum predisposition, where having an orgasm while being touched by others, is no more than a phone call and a “Benjamin” away – any day. The orgasms happen naturally – unless you agreed to never get a massage, you’ve not betrayed your spouse, did not have sexual interaction with another, and.. basically beating the hell out of the  system.

(p.s. You’re not off the hook if they jack you off or rub your clit. However, for those willing to cross this line, for tomorrow’s post, Part sex,  I cover everything you didn’t know yoiu wanted to know about how to have a happy time getting massages at reputable places. Yes, there are women getting happy endings, I know three of them. And men – it is possible to have a normal massage result in a happy ending, read the next part of this series for the secrets on how that happens.)

Bi-Trysperiences

Loophole: You’re heterosexual, so your spouse doesn’t get bothered by the thought of you having contact with other girls.

Perhaps you and your spouse have never even covered the ground rules pertaining to same-sex interaction. If it turns you on to be touched by a person of the same gender – a minor bi-experience might pass through a  loophole – on a technicality or two. Because your mainly not bisexual, Your spouse might not have expectations one way or another, about what you might do with someone of your own gender. Sex with a girl friend? Probably not, but hitting a strip club on girls’ night out, getting lap dances from a stripper who’s hand disappears up your skirt a few times? Seen it happen.

Suspend the rules:

Include your Partner:

If your significant other cheats at the same time, it cancels out your cheating.

Play a naughty game with friends or go out with your partner and do something monogamish. Depending on what you do, it an be a little risky to push the boundaries, but at least of you get your partner on board, you won’t’ be cheating.

In Dare, Volume I of The sinner Saint Dairy, I tell write about a real life Truth-or=Dare game that a few friends and I ended up playing one night. In our game , there were six non-single people included: one couple married, another engaged and the other two were dating. Three of us were single. That story of that night is a perfect example of mutual nullification. Each  of us did things that would have been unacceptable – without the others also misbehaving. Even that didn’t cover some of us who drifted beyond (okay lost sight of) “justifiable” territory.

Ask for a temporary separation

This might be harmful to your relationship, but it removes the betrayal aspect. If you know you’re going to sleep around – and that your spouse is likely to find out, you’ll have less on your conscience and a better chance at saving your marriage if you ask for a temporary separation.

(p.s. If your spouse asks for a separation, most likely they’re going to get busy right away and they probably already know who with.)

If you are the one who asked for the separation, do yourself a favor and don’t let your group of friends in on your extra-marital activities. This doesn’t make your spouse look bad, it makes you look bad. And, if you do get back together, both you and your spouse will have less respect. If your spouse asked for the separation, not only should you be sure you have sex others, you might want to have your circle of friends aware of it. You’ll not be blamed because your spouse is the one who asked for it, you’ll look less pathetic, and hopefully your spouse will here about it and know what’s good for the goose is goose it’s good for the gander. You can be sure they are messing around – only point in asking for a separation, and you’re they’re more likely to come back if they see that you’re doing your thing – you’ll seem less pathetic.

Misbehave Zones

Loophole: cultural and community rules supersede couple rules.

Culturally, western societies allow artists to bend the rules, and excuse otherwise unacceptable activity when integral to artistic expression. Cultural norms are so powerful, that they confer exceptions to rules of romantic commitment. You don’t have to be a professional artist for these rules to apply.

This is the only type of activity where it is possible to get away with all the aspects of cheating, without doing anything wrong or suffer any consequences. I have taken full advantage of culturally safe zones, not to be confused with the safe zones created for fragile college students who should still be on a bottle, not attending college.

By cultural safe zones, I’m referring to special circumstances where cultural expectations not only tolerate activity outside the bounds of marriage, but protect it. Not by law, but community expectation.

The Arts are where most safe zones can be found.

Theatre

The theatre is the most accommodating. I majored in theatre and can unequivocally testify that theatrical endeavor is rich with opportunities to do bad things and get away with it: theatre often entails close interaction with the most uninhibited… being uninhibited is practically a tenant of the art – so expected that it’s nearly seen as a requirement.

You don’t have to go back to college for a theatre degree to get involved and gain enough artistic cover to be a little naughty. If getting a degree in theatre isn’t an option, the best way to get involved is to sign up for acting courses; or, you could take costuming or set design courses and then volunteer at a local theater. If you’re around theatre, you’ll see uninhibited behavior, but if you’re wanting contact with others, acting is by far the way to go.

Any scene you must prepare for an acting class, or any play you act a part in – if it is written for you to do – you’re excused to do it. You’re not you during the hundred times you practice that scene: you’re the character. Passionate kissing, nudity, groping, touching – anything that character does – is totally accepted and nobody holds you responsible as if they were your actions, or things you chose to do. This is very necessary to the art, but pretty crazy as well. Acting is very unique – the culturally safest zone where anyone can go to escape their marital boundaries without breaking any boundaries.

(I remember several older, married students from acting courses: Stacy was the most memorable – a married, devout catholic woman who was in two of my acting courses. She was around thirty and had been married for a few years. I’d seen her husband – probably with her at a play or something. Anyway, this woman Stacy was attractive – not stunning – but clearly out of her husband’s league. I don’t know the details of her marriage or why she’d married her husband, but I could tell she was starving for affection… no way would she ever cheat. What she did do, is ask me to be her scene partner for our final, and chose a scene which included a lot of contact working up to passionate kissing. I don’t know how many times we practiced the scene – several times at my apartment, half a dozen times in a studio on campus… not once at her home around her husband.)

Art

If seeing some nudity is enough to give you a thrill, a life drawing or painting course is an easy way to make that happen, you’re guaranteed to see people naked – but it’s a crap shoot how hot they’ll be. If you seriously pursue art, it becomes a pretty good excuse to see people with their clothes off – depending on how sensitive your spouse is – I doubt they’d  raise issue with you having to draw someone nude for class.


And now, your turn:

I would love to hear about other loopholes you’ve found – perhaps you’ve found a unique way to keep things interesting? And, whether or not we actually do any of this stuff,  it’s fun to just think and scheme about it, isn’t it?

Now that we’ve looked at some loophole – how to get a bit naughty without cheating, the next part in the series will discuss options for those willing to cross the line. If you’re going to cheat,  tomorrow you can read Part VI on how to to cheat and mitigate the risk.


Cheating Series:

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

 


If you enjoy reading sexually arousing stories that are also thought provoking, you’ll love reading Dare, the first publication of the Sinner Saint Diary series. Click here for book info previews on Amazon.


Here’s more about the authorMore about the DiaryA girl Coming