Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

A lot has been written about how men cheat for the sex and affairs for women tend to be more emotional. As often, people talk about how cheating is a replacement for something that a person is not getting from their marriage or spouse. How often is it more, and less than that? Do we ever cheat as a settlement for something unrelated to our marriage or significant other, something greater we wanted?

How great can the greatest sex be? The greatest I can imagine, is only a matter of moments, an hour, a day, a memory. What is that compared to the most significant aspects of a life? Life long friendships, parents, children, success, fame, meaning, a purpose, adoration, safety, hope, admiration, or reconciliation, and other things, may be bigger, last longer – and in whatever way, be more significant to our lifetimes, than a fuck or affair.

This is not to say that sexual desire and emotional care are not significant needs. If a good fuck or some romance is truly all that’s needed, and some kind of affair can answer a painful deficiency of such things- cure long term anxiety, then great – we’ve likely found our solution. If we’re going to go that far and take such risks – throw down and lay down the chips, let’s be raw freaking honest about why were doing it, and make sure that infidelity is merely a supplement to what we’re missing in our relationship, and not a substitute for something else more profound; something,  that with our cheating, we’re choosing to give up on. A settlement.  A consolation. A forfeiture

Is it brave to venture outside the relationship if it is in  lieu of something we truly want – that’s actually the cause of the void?  Granted, there are things that have no recourse. If we lose a child, no amount of bravery or honesty with self is going to fill that void, hopefully there’s enough sex and medication to get us through such devastation.

But, shouldn’t the question be asked? If we’re ready to put our most significant relationship on the line – do something so bold, we might as well do just that – and make sure that having an affair isn’t a diversion to something more fundamental we need –  something we don’t think we can obtain or manage -something that takes even more audacity to confront.

If it’s romance and fucking we’re truly needing, then I say we make damn sure what we go after is good; However, no matter how good it is, if we’re doing it as a cop out, do we not fail ourselves and risk harming others for not?



Cheating Series:

Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.

Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?

Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity

Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity

Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.

Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?

Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship

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12 thoughts on “Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?

  1. Pingback: Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity | The Sinner Saint Diary
  2. I suspect that a lot of people cheat because they are secretly polyamorous (but think that they’re monogamous) and torn between society-enforced monogamy and their attractions for other people.It’s not the only reason, but I think it’s an overlooked one.

    Liked by 2 people

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