Where can we be Naughty without cheating?
Another year has passed, and this year feels like the same routine. Are you wondering if you might end up the first on record to suffer death by boredom? maybe you’re locked in forever and trying to make the most of it.
Here you are, reading blogs, and looking for something to quiet the restlessness – break up the long slow walk of married life ? The quiet may be creams, if sex with your spouse is suffering. The erotica you’ve been reading has helped – yes it’s gas on your fire and making and it worse, and it’s looking like it is what it is, there’s nowhere you can go to meet this kind of need, you’ll have to grin and bare it
If you were a different kind of man or woman, in another world with no consequences, you’d just have an affair, or get a divorce. But you can’t do that – you don’t want too. You love your family and your spouse – you don’t want to hurt hurt anyone, nor have a crisis on your hands..
Don’t give up just yet. There are perfectly acceptable ways to experience a little naughty interaction -let’s look for a way you can beat the system.
You’re situation might be less drastic. The reality of life – no matter how committed and wonderful our spouse, zero variety over years or decades feels like going to church on a hangover. Just bored? or, your spouse an utter bore? If any of this is you, and cheating isn’t an option, follow the light, keep reading.
The Sinner Saint Diary research department has dug deep to help good people, who wish to stay good to their spouse, yet satisfy needs that by definition, our spouse can’t satisfy.. (And by research team diving deep, I mean just me, over years, seeing ways people beat the system.)
If we apply the definition outlined in Part IV,, a person has cheated if their actions include all of the four components of cheating: a relationship, a person outside relationship, sexual stimulation and betrayal. Absence of one or more of these components, behavior may still be wrong, but it isn’t cheating.
There aren’t many options, and they may not be as satisfying as cheating, yet may offer some relief from the mundane.
The trick is to find situations that inherently short circuit the rules: we want situations that are missing a key ingredient, but have most of the good ingredients. Here are the loopholes – activities that have have built-in features that disqualify them as cheating.
Loophole: because there is no way to confirm the activity of a person’s mind, with most relationships, couples do not try to establish thought rules.
The easiest, least restricted and most obvious way to escape the boundaries and circumvent the rules you’re bound by, is use your imagination, to envision whatever behavior and situations you find most stimulating.
And, you can borrow from the imagination and experiences of others – erotica literature is about the naughtiest way to be completely innocent. I invite you to read Dare, the first Volume of The Sinner Saint Diary and enjoy the taste of the real thing without the calories.
Loophole: There’s no other person involved – at least, as far as they know their not.
If you have a particular fetish for something that doesn’t involve another person, directly, The solo fetish loophole can be very rewarding. A variation of this loophole, allows for another person to be involved, but requires your fetish to be for something that is most would not find the least bit arousing. (getting your hair brushed causes you to have an orgasm).
If you are one of those who gets aroused by looking at others, or exposing yourself, there is a smorgasbord of opportunity to be naughty without being a bad partner. A lot of spouses won’t mind or won’t know when you let yourself be seen. (Disclaimer: Obviously, your spouse doesn’t want you going around town exposing yourself to random people. The rest of us non-creepy members of society don’t either… get help.)
If you do not get turned on when people see you exposed – you may be wondering why I’ve included this loophole – why it’s a loophole at all?
Sometimes, being seen is the only opportunity someone has to feel sexy or be a bit naughty. It’s better than nothing – even if something short of orgasmic; for some, nearly orgasmic. As with the following, you don’t have to break any laws or be hedonistic to get some needs met.
Maryann’s husband was a local politician. He wasn’t a bad husband – but was a bit square and didn’t like to party – cared about appearances. The two were married young, and Maryann had little to no experience before that. She’s about the horniest person I’ve known and probably the least likely to cheat. I think she grew up catholic or fundamentalist – some kind of religiousness that plagued her with guilt for life – she’d never servive the guilt of an affair. The girl I was dating, living with actually, was one of Maryann’s friends. Their group of friends liked to go out drinking – and have parties. Maryann usually joined in, her husband hardly ever joined her.
Maryann allowed herself one congruence, one micro-misbehavior. She liked to expose herself – expose herself to us guys in the group – whenever she could – without being obnoxious about it. Her husband was never around when she did – he’d have no reason to worry about it, and there wasn’t much harm in it – she’d be around friends – not in view of husband’s voting public. After a few drinks, the exhibitionist would come out; it’s hard to describe how, but she’d usually find a reason or moment, to show her new underwear, or that she’s wearing none, and sometimes when only I could see, she’d lift her shirt up and say “flash attack.” Her boobs were small enough that in most outfits she could get away with not wearing a bra – she rarely did. I never asked about what compelled this behavior – it must have been very satisfying for her – to be be so compulsive. Perhaps it was just passive aggression, about her husband never being around.
The Sinner Saint Diary Volume V, to be published later this year, Is about a cube mate i worked with for a year, who exposed herself almost daily, and did other things, all sanctioned under the umbrella of being a “total flirt.” I call what she would do, “chicken flirting.” However she defined it, she’d basically see how far she could go without officially doing anything wrong. In the process, she’d tease and frustrate the hell out of most the guys in the office. She didn’t know what she was in for when she took up the chick flirt with me – but that’s all in the the story. What’s relevant to this discussion, is that her loophole was that her husband new and accepted she was a flirt – and, whatever he knew of it, her flirting included just about everything that didn’t involve contact. It amused her greatly to expose herself and get me going, and she saw her share of me as well. This was her thing – her loophole, and it seemed to be working well for her, until it didn’t.
You can be seen without being obvious. My neighbor sees me- from her home office over her garage. Her window by her desk looks into my back and gives her an unobstructed view, through a wall of sliding glass doors, right into my living room and dining area.. Turns me on like crazy, this game we’ve been playing.
Solo fetish variation: massage
Not the happy ending kind. Well, yes the happy ending kind, but not the kind with inappropriate touching (unless you want it to be cheating).
I’ve seen different estimates, but supposedly between five and ten percent of those getting a massage will have an orgasm of some kind without any inappropriate contact. If this happens to you, congratulations, you’ve got a loophole-optimum predisposition, where having an orgasm while being touched by others, is no more than a phone call and a “Benjamin” away – any day. The orgasms happen naturally – unless you agreed to never get a massage, you’ve not betrayed your spouse, did not have sexual interaction with another, and.. basically beating the hell out of the system.
(p.s. You’re not off the hook if they jack you off or rub your clit. However, for those willing to cross this line, for tomorrow’s post, Part sex, I cover everything you didn’t know yoiu wanted to know about how to have a happy time getting massages at reputable places. Yes, there are women getting happy endings, I know three of them. And men – it is possible to have a normal massage result in a happy ending, read the next part of this series for the secrets on how that happens.)
Loophole: You’re heterosexual, so your spouse doesn’t get bothered by the thought of you having contact with other girls.
Perhaps you and your spouse have never even covered the ground rules pertaining to same-sex interaction. If it turns you on to be touched by a person of the same gender – a minor bi-experience might pass through a loophole – on a technicality or two. Because your mainly not bisexual, Your spouse might not have expectations one way or another, about what you might do with someone of your own gender. Sex with a girl friend? Probably not, but hitting a strip club on girls’ night out, getting lap dances from a stripper who’s hand disappears up your skirt a few times? Seen it happen.
Suspend the rules:
Include your Partner:
If your significant other cheats at the same time, it cancels out your cheating.
Play a naughty game with friends or go out with your partner and do something monogamish. Depending on what you do, it an be a little risky to push the boundaries, but at least of you get your partner on board, you won’t’ be cheating.
In Dare, Volume I of The sinner Saint Dairy, I tell write about a real life Truth-or=Dare game that a few friends and I ended up playing one night. In our game , there were six non-single people included: one couple married, another engaged and the other two were dating. Three of us were single. That story of that night is a perfect example of mutual nullification. Each of us did things that would have been unacceptable – without the others also misbehaving. Even that didn’t cover some of us who drifted beyond (okay lost sight of) “justifiable” territory.
Ask for a temporary separation
This might be harmful to your relationship, but it removes the betrayal aspect. If you know you’re going to sleep around – and that your spouse is likely to find out, you’ll have less on your conscience and a better chance at saving your marriage if you ask for a temporary separation.
(p.s. If your spouse asks for a separation, most likely they’re going to get busy right away and they probably already know who with.)
If you are the one who asked for the separation, do yourself a favor and don’t let your group of friends in on your extra-marital activities. This doesn’t make your spouse look bad, it makes you look bad. And, if you do get back together, both you and your spouse will have less respect. If your spouse asked for the separation, not only should you be sure you have sex others, you might want to have your circle of friends aware of it. You’ll not be blamed because your spouse is the one who asked for it, you’ll look less pathetic, and hopefully your spouse will here about it and know what’s good for the goose is goose it’s good for the gander. You can be sure they are messing around – only point in asking for a separation, and you’re they’re more likely to come back if they see that you’re doing your thing – you’ll seem less pathetic.
Loophole: cultural and community rules supersede couple rules.
Culturally, western societies allow artists to bend the rules, and excuse otherwise unacceptable activity when integral to artistic expression. Cultural norms are so powerful, that they confer exceptions to rules of romantic commitment. You don’t have to be a professional artist for these rules to apply.
This is the only type of activity where it is possible to get away with all the aspects of cheating, without doing anything wrong or suffer any consequences. I have taken full advantage of culturally safe zones, not to be confused with the safe zones created for fragile college students who should still be on a bottle, not attending college.
By cultural safe zones, I’m referring to special circumstances where cultural expectations not only tolerate activity outside the bounds of marriage, but protect it. Not by law, but community expectation.
The Arts are where most safe zones can be found.
The theatre is the most accommodating. I majored in theatre and can unequivocally testify that theatrical endeavor is rich with opportunities to do bad things and get away with it: theatre often entails close interaction with the most uninhibited… being uninhibited is practically a tenant of the art – so expected that it’s nearly seen as a requirement.
You don’t have to go back to college for a theatre degree to get involved and gain enough artistic cover to be a little naughty. If getting a degree in theatre isn’t an option, the best way to get involved is to sign up for acting courses; or, you could take costuming or set design courses and then volunteer at a local theater. If you’re around theatre, you’ll see uninhibited behavior, but if you’re wanting contact with others, acting is by far the way to go.
Any scene you must prepare for an acting class, or any play you act a part in – if it is written for you to do – you’re excused to do it. You’re not you during the hundred times you practice that scene: you’re the character. Passionate kissing, nudity, groping, touching – anything that character does – is totally accepted and nobody holds you responsible as if they were your actions, or things you chose to do. This is very necessary to the art, but pretty crazy as well. Acting is very unique – the culturally safest zone where anyone can go to escape their marital boundaries without breaking any boundaries.
(I remember several older, married students from acting courses: Stacy was the most memorable – a married, devout catholic woman who was in two of my acting courses. She was around thirty and had been married for a few years. I’d seen her husband – probably with her at a play or something. Anyway, this woman Stacy was attractive – not stunning – but clearly out of her husband’s league. I don’t know the details of her marriage or why she’d married her husband, but I could tell she was starving for affection… no way would she ever cheat. What she did do, is ask me to be her scene partner for our final, and chose a scene which included a lot of contact working up to passionate kissing. I don’t know how many times we practiced the scene – several times at my apartment, half a dozen times in a studio on campus… not once at her home around her husband.)
If seeing some nudity is enough to give you a thrill, a life drawing or painting course is an easy way to make that happen, you’re guaranteed to see people naked – but it’s a crap shoot how hot they’ll be. If you seriously pursue art, it becomes a pretty good excuse to see people with their clothes off – depending on how sensitive your spouse is – I doubt they’d raise issue with you having to draw someone nude for class.
And now, your turn:
I would love to hear about other loopholes you’ve found – perhaps you’ve found a unique way to keep things interesting? And, whether or not we actually do any of this stuff, it’s fun to just think and scheme about it, isn’t it?
Now that we’ve looked at some loophole – how to get a bit naughty without cheating, the next part in the series will discuss options for those willing to cross the line. If you’re going to cheat, tomorrow you can read Part VI on how to to cheat and mitigate the risk.
Cheating: Issues, Questions & Implications of shifting attitudes towards marital infidelity.
Cheating Part II: How much flirtation is healthy and when does it become infidelity?
Cheating III: Sex in Head, Mental Infidelity
Cheating IV: Anatomy of Infidelity
Cheating Part V: Loopholes, Free Zones and Grey Areas.
Cheating VII: Time Warp Infidelity – Sex After or Before the Relationship?
Cheating 7: When You Stumble Upon Much Better Sex Outside Your Relationship
Cheating 8: Is it Really Sex or affection we Want or is Cheating a Settlement?
Cheating 9: Considering Special Features in Defense of Sexual Infidelity
Cheating 10: Looking for a bit of fun before spilling the beans
Cheating XI: How Not to Sleep With Married People
If you enjoy reading sexually arousing stories that are also thought provoking, you’ll love reading Dare, the first publication of the Sinner Saint Diary series. Click here for book info previews on Amazon.